spanking with a safeword

The picture is from endart.com. check it out here. let's give a big "cheer" for spankings!

Mr Right bought a paddle because he has bruised his hand a few times while spanking me. I have such mixed feelings about spankings. Don't get me wrong: they turn me on. but they also hurt like the Dickens!!

the best thing about spankings from Mr Right is that he understands how confusing it is to me to mix the pleasure spanking and punishment. once, before we decided to take "time out," he spanked me after I teased him, and caught him off-guard with my teasing. He spanked me for teasing him, but he was playing with me, and yet getting turned on at the same time. When he stopped, we were both very confused and conflicted. neither of us were sure if it was punishment or play because it felt like both, yet neither of us liked feeling so confused. So, we decided then, and there, that either of us would call a "time out," to clear the air, and spankings were only for fun.

yet, just to make sure, Mr Right asked me about role-play spankings. He wants very much for me to play the naughty school girl, cheerleader actually, who gets reprimanded by the delightfully sadistic professor who fantasizes about spanking his female students. I told him that since it wasn't really punishment for me, but role playing for us both, this would not confuse me, but should turn me on immensely. Of course, I'll do my best to share these details once we play out his fantasy. and, I'm glad he asked me about this. It shows me that he's concerned with my well-being, and WANTS me to be both happy and content in our relationship.

so, I have maintenance spankings, as well as spankings for pure sexual stimulation. well, actually any spanking provides sexual stimulation as I become very wet from being struck across my bottom. it's whether or not my mind follows willingly. when I'm stressed out, a good spanking can relieve the tension I create throughout my body. And, depending on the rhythm and "thud" delivered during a spanking, I can go into subspace, or "fly" quite easily. and, yet, stinging blows across my upper thighs where they meet my behind, and when his hand hits my pussy lips, cause me to tense up, to cry out, and wish I could stop the pain. Because I have fibromyalgia, Mr Right wants me to have a safe word, to let him know if I cannot tolerate the pain. There are days when the slightest touch is excruciating

and what's your thought on a "safe word" for spankings? can you trust the spankee enough not to abuse the word? does it take away control from the spanker? but, if there is no safe word, what happens if the spankee could be harmed mentally by the spanking? how would the spanker know otherwise?

8 Comments so far »

  1. by spirited_one , on September 23, 2009 at 4:06 AM

    For us we don't have a safeword for spankings simply because he can just tell when I'm in distress and will stop... sometimes even when I'm not giving much of an outward indication that something is wrong. He just seems to know... but not everyone is like that in their relationship, so it really depends.

    Anytime someone talks about a submissive abusing a safeword, it makes me think of the "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" story. Do it enough times, and you will lose the trust of the Dominants in your life. It also puts you in a position where out of frustration the Dominant might decide to ignore your safewording just because you had abused it so many times in the past. It's a irresponsible thing, but I imagined it's happened. So by abusing your safeword, in the end you are only hurting yourself.

    I don't think it takes away control either. The safeword is there to prevent injury (whether physical or mental). I can't think of any responsible Dominant who would potentially endanger a submissive all for the sake of having more control. It's reckless.

    Have fun with your role play... can't wait to hear about it! :)

    ~spirited

  2. by cutesypah , on September 23, 2009 at 7:59 AM

    ~spirited, your comment confused me. if the Dominant ignores a safeword, that's abuse. the Dominant does not get to decide if the safeword is being abused.

    If the Dom can't discuss with the sub his/her concern about the misuse of a safeword, the trust necessary for a D/s relationship is already gone. as you said, the safeword is there to prevent injury. if the safeword is used to merely get out of punishment, or to top from the bottom, there is clearly a failure to communicate that both parties need to address.

    thanks for your thoughts.
    cp

  3. by schiava , on September 23, 2009 at 9:36 AM

    cuteseypah, i got from her comment that "if" the submissive abused the safeword it would cause the Dominant to be tempted to ignore it.

    Frankly, i have heard of more submissives hating to safeword, than abusing it, although i can see that it would happen and potentially being a problem as spirited described. Except if the Dom thought the safeword was being abused rather than wisely used, then he should, and probably would, address it before ignoring it.

    Anyway, the confusion over spankings as punishment vs. spankings as pleasure has caused many folks to *not* spank for punishment at all. i understand that you have maintenance spankings, and i admit that i am not sure of the reasoning behind them, but i kind of assume it is like my own "framework" of rules that i live by daily. (kind of a way to establish and maintain discipline in my life and my mental state, is that similar to a maintenance spanking?)i have no idea and therefore can't comment to whether or not those should be arousing!

    But punishment i know, and it should not be pleasant in any way (as you know or you wouldn't have felt confused). There are other ways to punish, of course, some far more effective and less confusing, and even less painful than spanking.

    i mean, think of raising a kid. There are timeouts, "go to your room"s, being "grounded", having privileges removed, extra chores, or even writing lines or essays that can be considered for punishment rather than spankings....and so many other things as well.

    Maybe that would help to lessen the confusion, simply deciding that spanking is not a form of punishment after all since it is so much fun! :D

  4. by schiava , on September 23, 2009 at 9:39 AM

    Forgot a comment, yes even in the novel i just wrote.

    A safeword is appropriate for ANY activity that needs it, including physical punishment. If you need to safeword, then it is a signal to the Dom, or Mr. Right, that something needs to be looked at and changed before tried again. So yes, even spankings get safewords, in my opinion. :)

  5. by mouse , on September 23, 2009 at 2:55 PM

    Omega would be first to tell me that he can read my responses to things like paddling fairly well but he can't read my mind. Nine times out of ten, he's right on the money, where he stops the play or takes into a different direction. However he can't read my mind so if I'm not showing outward signs of distress (you know we're into some really heavy stuff), he is left to guess. He started using recently a dog's squeeze toy (because we use a gag). If I squeeze it, it means pause or stop for a minute...if I drop it, it's a safeword.

    I still have moments where I'll flashback (normally during an intense scene) or a memory will be triggered but now he's grown accustomed to what I look like under duress and stops all play at once, because he knows whatever is going on in my mind it doesn't include using a safeword.

    So, yeah there must be a little trust on both sides and paying attention to my body language is equally important for him.

    mouse

  6. by oatmeal girl , on September 23, 2009 at 9:33 PM

    As you may know, I don't have a safeword. As you may know, nothing is done for my pleasure.

    Everything is for my Master's pleasure. Sometimes I am spanked as punishment, which the sadist of course enjoys, but the goal is punishment and correction. Sometimes he spanks me purely for his pleasure. In any case, it is his judgment alone whichd ecides how long it will go and how hard it will be.

    Since most of his visits are limited in time by external circumstances, the spankings have usually not lasted all that long. And my Master is usually pretty good at reading me. Although he likes to push me, he doesn't like what happens when he goes too far. I have a bad reaction afterwards, upon which he has to reconfigure his plans for me. I am his treasure and he doesn't want to lose me, so the sadist and the careful planner battle for control.

    As I've occasionally said before in one place or another, if I were to read the above coming from another submissive, or from a slave, I'd be likely to sneer. Or else throw up. Really, it sounds pretty pukey. But that's what he ash turned me into.

    He knows that spankings center me. I'm a perfect candidate for regular maintenance spankings. Would I get them if we saw each other more often? I don't know... I should hope I would, but he likes to deprive me of things I like... when he exercises his control it deepens my submission.

    I like not having a safeword.
    I like that I have given myself to him.
    I have never felt as strong as I do now.

  7. by mamacrow , on September 24, 2009 at 3:20 PM

    I don't have a safeword, but then we are still relatively new to playing with things like spanking and mild bondage and the like, and it's all in the context of it feeling bloody good rather than very overtly Domming and submitting. He often checks in with me during and afterwards about levels/intensity of pain etc, and when/if I say 'ok, stop for a minute' he immediately does, though I can't think of this happening often.. He's good at reading me plus we're both extra careful about how i move about/am moved about/lie at the moment seeing as i'm preggers!

    I absolutely ADORE being spanked. It's an itimate sexual act for us, not a punishment, though sometimes we play a little bit with mild role play punishment, if that makes sense.

    I've found that spanking has been an absolutely EXCELLENT cure for nausia throughout the pregnancy, I just wish we'd discovered/played with it years ago, in my other pregnancies!

  8. by Florida Dom , on September 29, 2009 at 6:05 AM

    I think each couple has to decide if a safeword is right for them. I think most doms can figure out if their sub is in distress with or without a safeword.

    But since your have fibro, I think that changes thing. I think you should definitely have a safeword. I think he can relax, too, and knnow he's not putting you at risk. Again, just my two cents worth since you asked. But, again, what's important is what works for you two.

    And I found the comment by mamacrow that spankings were a cure for nausea very interesting. You never know the benefits of a good spanking.

    FD

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