Showing posts with label Mr. Right. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mr. Right. Show all posts

Birthday Girl


It's my birthday! I'm 45 today. It's the first time in a very, very long time, (perhaps ever) that I feel all parts of my life are in balance, and I'm headed in a positive direction.

The only thing that could be better about today is if Mr Right & I were on the beach for a week or so. But, if life were perfect, what would I have to strive for?! *laughs*

Behind the Scenes

I love this photo. It was one of the first of Gil Elvgren's prints that I saw, and I immediately fell in love with it.

Having said that, I've been doing a lot behind closed doors lately. And although I'm not yet ready to return to the world of blog on a regular or daily basis, I am missing my creative outlet.

Like other bloggers, I've come to realize that I was writing more for my audience than for me. And, I compare myself to others constantly, wondering why I don't get as many readers as others do. Even when I was writing on a regular basis, I didn't have many readers. And, so I gave up.

But, now I'm back. For the time being. Writing about what concerns me, or what is of interest to me, regardless of what responses come my way. I'm not doing this for profit, or to build a career, so followers don't matter. And I have few online "friends," and a small group of real life friends, so I'm not in need of attention either. But, as a codependent, I'm also one who struggles with moderation. I'm trying to find middle ground with my blogging, my reading of other blogs, comparing myself to other bloggers, and feeling as though I fall desperately short when it comes to subject matter and the ability to express myself.

So, I continue to try to let others see another side of me - to let you peek through the keyhole, and see behind the scene to a part of me only Mr Right sees. He tells me that I'm lovable and loved. This blogging is my attempt to work through my issues, and finally come to believe what he knows is true: I am lovable. I know I'm loved. My depression, and my codependency, and my SAD just doesn't let me accept the lovable part.

Another new year. 2009 was such a roller coaster for me!! 2009 ended on a much better note than 2008 ended. So, I hold out hope that 2010 will be a much happier year, without the constant stress, strife, and disappointment of 2009.

Last year at this time, I wasn't even blogging. Hard to believe. Also hard to believe that last year at this time, I was without a relationship, or dominant in my life, having gotten out of an abusive D/s relationship at the beginning of 2008. I was on a variety of dating sites, meeting all the jerks, and wannabes imaginable.

And then, in July 2009, I met Mr Right. And although the chaos of self-employment, an economy in the toilet, and an overly involved passive agressive mother who served as my office manager/paralegal drove me crazy, Mr Right brought sanity, peace, love, and tranquility to my life.

so, here's to love, and peace, and tranquility. Here's to 2010. May this be the year of peace and love for us all.

New Year - Getting Into Position


As you know, Mr. Right and I are getting married. What you don't know is that I've been helping my mom deal with having part of her lung removed due to cancer. For the next several weeks, she will be living with me and/or Mr Right.
This means little time alone, and virtually no spontaneous sex or play time. Considering the fact there hasn't been much play time for months, this will not be easy for either of us. Our plan was to get back into regular spankings on Wednesday & Saturday, but that plan may have to wait if we're not in the house alone, or can't find a place to be alone.
Thanks to everyone for their continued love and support. And for all your well wishes! Have a Spanking Good New Year!!

Here's the ring


well, Mr. Right proposed, and I said, "yes." I knew the proposal was coming before Christmas, just didn't know when. the wedding will be in July.

We've done our sharing of loving, laughing, spanking, and lots of sex. We've been sick together, miserable together, happy together, and suffered depression, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) together. We had only 2 times when we were at odds, and it lasted only a few minutes. We talked through it all, and knew all the while that it was due to our fatigue, our SAD, and our aches & pains.

I've never been so =content, so peaceful, so happy. He truly is my Prince Charming - my Mr Right. And, now? It's forever.

unraveled-taking a break


I haven't been around in a while. I've noticed others in blogland taking a hiatus. As of this moment, a time-out from worrying about whether or not to blog, and what to say or not say, sounds really good.

I'm exhausted. My office has become so busy, that I'm at the point of considering whether to hire another attorney, and wondering how I'm going to pay for more staff. I barely have the money to pay my bills, and my mother is still working for free.

But neither of us can keep up, particularly with her health in question, due to her age-related issues for a woman in her late 60s, and me, a woman with fibromyalgia, and a self-employed lawyer who is trying to raise a teenage daughter, and develop a permanent relationship with Mr Right.

I worked all night Thursday night, and filed an important motion to substitute out a judge for cause on Friday morning. I'm also handling an appeal in the same case, plus my other cases. Mr. Right was also my Prince Charming in that he made sure I got some rest, and yet, got up in sufficient time to prepare the motion to file before court. Then I spent the rest of the day trying to catch up on sleep. Still, we're both exhausted. And my motion that I spent all the time on was denied. I'm so frustrated and tired that I could just collapse on the floor and cry like a 3 year old who desperately needs a nap.

Spanking still helps keeps me balanced, and Mr Right did a fine job of giving me some "sub space" with a healthy spanking Saturday night before we went to a friend's Halloween costume party. The party was fun, and we went as Captain Jack Sparrow & his pirate slut. My friends' band played and we had a few fun hours.

Today he's watching football while we do laundry, run errands, and I figure out how to deal with the court issues that arose from my Friday filing. And get some sleep.

I love you all. and I miss you too. I haven't even had the time or energy to read other blogs and post to them. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll be back, but I just don't know when.....
Feel free to drop me a line at cutesypah@gmail.com.

Keep spanking! It works if you work it!!

and then SAD set in.....

I have seasonal affective disorder - SAD. so, in the autumn and winter, I feel horrible - depressed, moody, and lots of pain. and because I understand the Law of Attraction, and recognize how it works, when I'm down and sad, things around me do not go well, or break, or stop working. my laptop died. my sleep number bed broke. my daughter's laptop keyboard now has a broken "f" key because I was trying to remove a piece of paper stuck under it, and the plastic key cover came off and I can't get it back on.

and a judge completely ignored what I'd filed with the court (an emergency motion including physical abuse of a 12 year old by his 16 year old brother including bruises due to choking), and ordered the child back to his father. I was devastated. and to compound misery, my daughter also has SAD and has been yelling at me. plus my mom had a colonoscopy where they removed a polyp and we're waiting on results. oh yea, and Mr. Right's sick too.

could I be anymore of an "Eeyore" right now?

Air Force graduation was very good and very bad. my son graduated with honors which means you must rank in the top ten percent in all categories. But, you must also be nominated by your instructor for honors. I was SO proud, and my son looked wonderful. The bad part? My ex was there with his girlfriend who is a complete jerk, and my kids hate her, particularly my son. And my ex's parents, the ones who broke up my marriage, were there as well. I finally had a mini-hissy fit when they ran off and left me, my daughter, Mr Right & my mother wondering where they had gone, and where they were. plus, it went from 90 degrees to 60 degrees with rain, and more rain. The hotel had water standing in the hall ways. But, my son was happy to see us, and that was wonderful.

Neither of us have felt well at the same time for spanking since our return from the Air Force graduation. Although he and I both know we both could use the release, we agree that it wouldn't be prudent when I'm hurting, and he's not rested enough to monitor me closely.

The one very bright shining time in all this woe and misery? Mr. Right took me shopping for engagement and wedding rings this past weekend!!! The joke is that he's deciding how expensive I am before he decides to propose. LOL! Seriously, we had a great time looking at rings, as neither of us had ever done that before. And he was thrilled & surprised that I had no clue he was going to take me to look at rings. Although we were exhausted by the time we arrived home (it's 1.5 hours one way to a shopping mall), we had a great time learning more about our likes and how well we each work together to understand and respect our different opinions.

Spankings and "Glee"


from Sue Sylvester on Fox TV hit show Glee: "You know caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States but ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing — caning WORKS! And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say “That’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks!” Well to them I say “Yes we CANE!” And that’s how Sue C’s it!"


Did anyone else see this? I love this show, and I laughed my ass off this segment of the show was on national television!!

so it's 3am, and I'm in a beach side hotel watching Mr Right sleep. Things are wonderful. I won another trial last week, and got paid in full immediately afterwards. Yay! My daughter is staying with a friend this week while I'm gone, and my son graduates basic training next week.

I haven't had a maintenance spanking in a few days because of the travel, but I'm actually handling it quite well. There hasn't been a great deal of stress this week because of the mini-vacation, so I've been able to maintain balance without a spanking.

Maintenance spankings work well when I'm under a great deal of stress. Spankings are also part of our foreplay. So, getting a good spanking is like a runner's high for me. They bring all my suppressed emotions to the surface: anger, depression, failure, frustration, regret, exhaustion, confusion and more.

Mr Right knows that when I've been very busy, very focused, and driven to be the best as an attorney, he knows that my little girl inside feels the need to be cared for. She wants to cry but doesn't dare for looking weak. She wants to crawl under the covers, but doesn't dare because there are too many deadlines to meet. Because I strive to be the "perfect little girl," at all times, he knows this is a terrible strain on me.

A good, hard spanking will bring me to tears, forcing me to cry out, as I fight not to let the pain overwhelm me. But, before too many strokes, I've given in to the emotions, let the tears flow, as my cries permeate the air. And, in a short while, the endorphins flood my brain and body, and I'm drifting, "flying" as it were, and typically falling into a dreamy sleepy state. For me, it's like a meditative state, that feeling of not being awake, not yet asleep, just cozy, and comfy, and happy - deliriously happy, as though I'm floating on clouds.

I believe this is why I can't handle spankings for punishment. It's too confusing for me to separate the punishment/guilt/disappointment from a spanking that can also transport me to a most relaxed state, or sexually stimulate me, and bring me such heightened sexual pleasure.

If spanking is associated with punishment, all those other benefits are lost. This is why the worst punishment for me is giving me a "time out." That action makes it clear that I have lost sight of what is best for our relationship, and need to figure out how to make US a priority again.

So, I'm off to read about what all my friends are up to in our corner of blogworld. Bottoms Up!!

what's in a label? what is US?

A male and a female holding hands.Image via Wikipedia

Mr Right & I talk about everything. He reads all the blogs I follow, and we discuss the ideas presented, as well as my responses to those blogs. And, we've talked about slavery, and his role in our relationship, whether he is Master, Owner, Dominant, or HOH.

Once upon a time, I considered myself a slave. I did this because I wanted the release of responsibility, to not have to think after a long hard day at work. but I didn't have a man who was mentally and emotionally strong enough to dominate me, and capable of handling the responsibility needed to control and satisfy me. I needed an emotional rock, a man who was completely responsible for running his own life, for having a career, and running his own household without me.

The two men I chose before I met Mr Right were not sufficiently competent at meeting those requisites I mentioned. and, truth be told, my career and my duty as a parent is such that I cannot be a slave, and give up all my rights. I respect my own accomplishments far too much to allow another to take credit for or ignore what it took for me to be where I am today. I am no longer satisfied or interested in being property.

as for my submission, this, too, varies on a daily basis. I know, in my heart, I always have the right to say "no" to Mr Right. and, I know that most times, and most days, I never want to say "no" to Mr. Right. But, here's the kicker: he KNOWS this! and he knows that if I do say "no" it's because I really, really, don't feel well, because as I've said before, I like having sex when I'm sick. and, because Mr Mr Right believes in the idea that he may hurt me but will never "harm" me, he knows that if I'm turning down the chance at sex, it's because my fibro is acting up, and I'll tell him as much.

Mr Right only has two rules for me: I must not be unfaithful, and I must not lie to him. These are fairly straightforward easy rules to follow. My rules (yes, I have rules, too) are that he will be faithful, that he will never hit me in anger, and that he will never lie to me. Everything else simply will be handled as it comes up.

We both agree that we will never play mindgames with each other. We may role-play, or tease each other, but if one or both of us ever questions the other's pov, or get his/her feelings hurt, we immediately call a "time out" to talk about it - NOW. Otherwise, the rule is that things we say and do as they reference each other are said in love, and are to tease and play. Basically, we want our lives together to be filled with love, and lust, and to have fun, to enjoy each other. We want each other to be deliriously happy, and satiated by our life together.

I believe that our relationship, if it must be labeled and/or defined, falls somewhere in the midst of D/s, Taken in Hand, and Domestic Discipline. We are committed to each other, and to US. Our relationship is an US, a WE kinda thing. And there's no real label for that anywhere that I've found. I guess you could call it "haute couture," or a private designer label. yeah, that's a fitting label for US. It's OUR relationship, and it works for US.

There is no removing of a collar, although I mentally have one, with plans to find a real one, and a bracelet for him. Why a bracelet for him? Because he realizes that he is bound to me by holding the chain that hangs around my neck. He wants something to wear that allows me to realize he, too, honors our commitment. And when it comes time to acknowledge our relationship and commitment in the 'nilla world, there will be rings, and no removal of those, except to sleep and take a shower, or for safety reasons. There is no release, other than that from orgasms.

If one of our rules noted above are broken, even then, there is no guarantee or agreement that our relationship ends. We have made a lifetime commitment to each other. And, we chose to make that commitment. We see this type of commitment like we are family of choice, but family nonetheless, that you don't simply release because it's permanent. And, trust me, with knowing all the people we do who have divorced, being divorced myself, and being a divorce lawyer, Mr Right and I take this type of commitment VERY seriously. it IS binding, and carries with it great responsibility and effort, and with untold rewards far greater than we could ever imagine.

So, knowing all this, we both think we are so extremely lucky that we've each found a partner who understands US. After all these years of his being single, or for me, being in unsatisfying relationships, and my being told that there is no one out there for me, we both feel so blessed to have found each other. seriously, finding the One who knows, accepts, and enjoys your kinks, who knows accepts and loves you, exactly as you are, who yearns to know more about you, who wants to grow and expand together, and who wants nothing more than your happiness? Even lottery winners and celebrities don't have it this good!
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Satiated

What satiates you? This was a post that I've pondered a while.

I'm satiated when I have multiple g-spot orgasms, combined with clitoral orgasms, and I ejaculate, my juices "gushing out" over myself and Mr Right, pooling on the sheets, drenching us both in cum.

Really good mexican food, combined with a small frozen strawberry margarita

Really good hot wings with blue cheese dressing, and a really cold glass of water with lemon

Olive Garden Black Tie Mousse Cheesecake

curled up on the couch, reading a good paranormal fiction novel, in front of the roaring fireplace, while it snows outside, and I'm munching on Gardettos rye chips, and drinking Diet Mt Dew

lying on the beach, drinking pina coladas, while the sum warms my well-oiled body, and my loved one is next to me, smiling at me, while we talk about the great sex we just had up in our room.

walking a horse through the forest, listening to the hooves crunch on the underbrush

listening to the ocean surf

listening to it rain while I'm snuggled in bed, talking a nap

sitting on the couch, watching and listening to my daughter tell me about her day, and how happy she is

hugging, and kissing, and making love to Mr Right

on my knees kneeling as I take Mr Right's cock into my mouth, and inhale his scent as his presence and love touches my heart and soul

What satiates you?

it's been a while


since I've visited the blogosphere, and checked in with my blog friends. so many things happen here in blogland, in such a short period of time. hearts are hurt, new acquaintances made, bonds are broken, trust mended, and feelings pour out over the posts like maple syrup drizzled over french toast.

I promised myself I'd get to bed early tonight, because I've not been getting much sleep due to spending lots of play time with Mr Right. but, since I haven't been online much, I just had so many blogs to read, and reply posts to make, and here it is way after my bed time, and I still haven't posted anything to my own blog.

so, I'm hoping all of you have a wonderful weekend. I, for one, had a long, hard week, with two more long hard weeks ahead.

the good news? Mr Right have made plans to spend a weekend on the beach together, after I meet with my potential national, actually, international, not-for-profit client. YES!! I mean, yes, it's great about the client, but even better than I'm getting some real adult time with Mr Right on the BEACH!! I love the ocean as does he. and this will be our first trip together. can you say, "wonderful?" I thought you could.

oh, yes, and let's not forget: the weekend after that my son will be graduating from Air Force basic training. this will be another weekend with Mr Right and my family. two trips in a row! WOO HOO!!

this weekend, I hope to post about what wonderful things Mr Right and I have learned about each other in the last seven days. more about dominance, submission, spankings, and gluten-free cooking....

a mutual "time out"


Wednesday night, I realized that I forgot to complete an assignment given to me by Mr Right. I was getting the bed ready for the night when he asked if I had gone into the bathroom after court and twisted my nipples until they were hard and sensitive. I had a great day in court, and it completely slipped my mind. I was so upset that I forgot Mr Right's instructions, and he was disappointed as well.

so, I was put in "time out" because, mentally, I don't handle punishment spankings well. Five minutes I was sitting on the couch, in the dark, instructed to think about how I could better remember his instructions in the future. While I was sitting there, I realized I would have preferred the spanking. *smiles*

little did I know that while I was sitting on the couch in the dark, Mr Right was giving himself a "time out" as well. He was lying in the dark, on his bed, thinking of ways to he can ensure that I follow his instructions. Because he knows I'm very busy, and I would never forget an order or instruction intentionally, he thought of ways that HE, as the Dominant and Leader, could help me stay focused on him, on me, and, most importantly, on us.

He came to get me, and to bring me to his bed, and into his arms. He explained how this was a mutual "time out" as he explained that he has a responsibility to help me remember these things, as he knows how busy my work life is, and how easy it is to forget such things when I've been in court, and am ethically bound by my law license to be focused on what is best for my clients. So, he will use our private blog to remind me of those instructions until they become habit, much like my thinking of him and us for five minutes every other hour throughout my day.

I was blown away by his insight, his understanding, and his commitment to us. He doesn't want me to fail, or to struggle, or to become frustrated, when it comes to my thoughts about him, and about us. He WANTS me to be happy.

He may like playing with me, and watching my struggle against the spankings, or tease me until I laugh when we talk of politics, and our differing opinions of the world at large. but, all in all, he WANTS me to be happy, to smile when I think of him and us, to grin foolishly when I remember our intimate moments, to lick my lips in wicked anticipation when I recall his lips on mine, and his hand upon my red and sore behind after a most delicious spanking.

So, I completed all of his instructions on Thursday in a timely manner. I am a very happy, and satisfied woman, well-balanced with the knowledge of how blessed I am to have found a man who clearly understands, respects, and accepts his responsibility as my Dominant and Owner.

God/dess I love this man. How did I ever get so lucky?!

"You Belong to Me"

This was a message sent to me by Mr Right on our private blog. He knows that he caresses my very soul when he says, "You're mine. You belong to me." It was so thoughtful that I had to share it. Listen and enjoy.




Codependence & Submission: They ARE Different

I wrote this a few months ago, when I was struggling to understand myself and why I was miserable in my LDR. I rediscovered this post on Friday. I, for one, was impressed with my self-analysis. So, I post this for your consideration. This is another long hard look at the mind, heart and soul of cutesypah.
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For years, I've been thinking about the difference between codependence and submission: wondering if there WAS a difference, and how to succinctly and concisely explain the cohesion or lack thereof between them. and, ultimately, figure out if I'm a submissive, and a codependent, or simply a codependent who attempts to find her happiness by serving others and ignoring my own needs and wants.

and, in my reading on the site, "Breaking the Cycles" I found these four definitions of codependence in the article, "Codependent Behavior Patterns Are A Choice,"


An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules. –Robert Subby

A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain. –The Johnson Institute


A stressful learned behavior associated with an unhealthy focus on the needs of others and/or attempting to take responsibility for the behavior of others.

–Brian DesRoches


We begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy, and inappropriate behaviors. Then we go one step further, we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal.

–Melody Beattie


Only after reading these words for what is likely the hundredth time, I *finally* realized the difference between codependence and submission - responsibility for one's actions, or, in other words, acceptance and choice.

So, I'll be the first to admit it: I likely developed submissive tendencies in order to survive in my home, and keep my parents happy. I was a people pleaser, and performed, on cue, as a small child, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at two for quarters, and "Twas the Night Before Christmas" at 4 for a dollar. My parents boasted they could take me anywhere, and I always behaved, perfectly. I was the perfect child, unless I spoke out, or acted like a child should, and threw the occasional temper tantrum, for which I was soundly spanked, and sent to my room where I was grounded for the entire day. In essence, I couldn't be the "normal" child without being punished - hence, came my strive for perfectionism.

And, from this, came my need to serve, to ignore my own wants and needs (for I would be punished for them if I voiced them), and to do whatever I could to gain my parents' attention, and perhaps, the occasional kiss on the cheek, or a pat on the head, the consummate display of approval.

so, submission was the only way I knew how to relate, and to get affection. and, when the sexual cravings started, at age 10, and I could look at my father's magazine stash (for at the time he worked for the world's premier porn printer/publisher), I saw women servicing men. Top that off with my reading all the romance novels where strong women are always overcome and taken care of by stronger men, and you have all the makings of a female submissive looking for that "perfect" Dominant who will come to rescue me, give me all the love I didn't have in my childhood, and who will let me grow up big, and strong, and will love me no matter how badly I behave.

Submit is defined by www.dictionary.com as, inter alia, "to yield to another," or "to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision," or "to present to another for approval, consideration," or "to subject one's self to a kind of treatment or influence."

Now, compare this to the definition above for codependence: a learned behavior in response to stressful situations, with an unhealthy focus on another's needs, and to take responsibility for another's behaviors (note the word "behaviors," rather than "actions." is that important?)

Is this why we don't have Dominants concerned about acting codependently, only submissives? I don't hear Dominants talking about how they are responsible for their submissive's behavior. Yet, I read about submissives, time and again, myself included, talking of their Dominant ignoring them, punishing them, and how the submissive blames herself (I know few male submissives so I focus on what I know) for her Dominant's behavior. In fact, the submissives I read about, talk of how they are "less" submissive because they question their Dominant's behavior, or perhaps, wonder if they are submissive at all, because their Dominant doesn't treat them properly, or doesn't behave in a Domly manner, or Goddess forbid, the Dom claims to "always be right, no matter what."

Now, I am beginning to realize that we choose to submit, and the Dominant chooses to accept our submission. But, if we are really strong, why do we question our submission when he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, his end of the "power exchange"? Isn't this the definition of codependence - accepting responsibility for his behaviors?

And, do we submit because we wish to give deference, or because we wished to be loved? Or is it true that submissives confuse submission with love? Does sub frenzy pull us over the edge, until we feel bound by our commitment, our agreement and willingness to submit, afraid if we withdraw our consent, that we seal our fate in being known as "less than" a perfect submissive/slave because we couldn't endure or tolerate the situation? isn't that also the definition of codependence - a learned set of maladaptive behavior while adhering to an oppressive set of rules?

I know this is a fine line I'm drawing, but I believe it's necessary, for me, at least, to review and analyze this line drawn in the sand. I need to know whether this is a line I can cross, can live with, or whether this is a wall that will cut me off from myself, or cause me to always ponder and wonder if it's greener on the other side, or whether the line will be, at some point, the line around my neck, hanging me, as a martyr, willing to be victimize myself in order to reach for that elusive relationship of Dominant and submissive that I can never quite reach without killing myself in the process.

Where do we draw the line between healthy interdependence/power exchange and unhealthy codependence/taking responsibility for the other's behavior? Why is it only submissives who seem to blur this line, while so many Dominants seem to ignore this line? What is the difference between saying, "this doesn't work for me," and saying, "He owns me, and I must accept what he gives me, like it or not"?

So where is the line drawn between submissive and doormat? What is the difference between submitting to his whims, and tolerating his neglect and abuse? As the Kind Dom, Pygar, asks, what of training and rules when it amounts to emotional damage? As David from A View From the Top notes that public displays of humiliation force the public to accept one's D/s interactions.
And Sir J notes that submissives are moody and high-maintenance. Really? Really? Or is it that we're trying to find that ever-moving line in the sand, trying to decide if we will cross it, feel comfort from knowing our boundaries, or see it as a line tightening into a noose? What of the thought that Dominants are high-maintenance and moody? is that acceptance on the submissive's part, or tolerance of inappropriate behavior?

What of the gentleman Dominant? What of the Daddy Dom who wishes to support and encourage? What of the submissive who craves objectification, and wants all of her thoughts, and actions to be controlled by another? What of the slave who recognizes that her needs are not met by her Master? Does this truly mean she is not a slave? OR is the reality that the Master who controls her does not understand her needs, and perhaps she would better flourish under the watchful eye, and different perceptions and actions of another Master?

does one's question about getting her/his wants or needs met make her/him less of a submissive/slave? I think not. but many do not agree with me. Ahhh...but this is my blog, not theirs. and this is my perception of me, not theirs.
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After six weeks with Mr Right, many of my codependent tendencies have seemingly disappeared. The regular spankings keep me in balance. I do not feel the need to prove my abilities to others, because I receive constant approval, acceptance, love, and guidance from the one who matters most to me: Mr Right. He sees when I'm out of balance, and knows when I need release, long before I do. Yes, I can't see right away what hurts me, as I learned long ago to deny the pain in order to survive, and hence, my tolerance for acceptable pain and unacceptable behavior is quite high. He knows and sees this is not good for me.
He sees a real difference between the woman he met in the coffee shoppe a few months ago, and the woman I am now. I am more calm, more open, more at peace, and less concerned about the need to impress others, all because I know that the one I love is pleased and impressed by my actions and my words.

All I needed was a constant hand at the small of my back, constant reassurance of his presence, a reminder of his strength, compassion and love, and the knowledge that he will catch me if I fall. I also know that by pressing my back into his hand, he knows that I walk at his pace, and do not wish to separate myself from him. I yield to him. And in turn, my submission strengthens us both, without my codependence getting in the way.

gaining trust while giving up control

Orgasm control is what he has now. I am to only cum with him. I may play with myself, but I may not cum without him. I've never been one who has understood or accepted orgasm control because to me it meant orgasm denial. Never having dating someone who lived close to me, orgasm control meant days or weeks of waiting to have an orgasm, or having an orgasm only with phone sex. And because my partner was never around, it was easy to cheat or to lie about having or not having orgasms. And, because my partners never were around enough to know if I was lying, I lost respect for them, and for the relationship. a D/s relationship bcame a farce to me. But not anymore. Now, I like the idea of only having orgasms in Mr Right's presence, because then we can enjoy my orgasms together. The way we want to be - together.


I got another maintenance spanking tonight. It seems that about 2-3 times a week I need a spanking to balance me out. Now don't misunderstand - the spanking still gets me incredibly wet, and makes Mr Right incredibly turned on, and we end up having fabulous sex. But the spanking was to balance me, to allow me to release the stress that had built up for me this week. Between missing my son who's at basic training, and taking on more new clients, having a migraine and a touch of a stomach bug, and still worried about my mom having vision problems, my plate's been a veritable cornucopia of stress-filled issues.

and bless Mr Right's heart because he is the one who decided that I would benefit from the spanking, decided that I needed the spanking, and then told me I would get the spanking because it was best for me, and best for us. And during the spanking, I decided to give up my safe words, and see what happened, and I told him I would not use a safe word. He was surprised, but seemed impressed that I did offer this. He spanked me until I cried, wailed, begged him to stop, and on the times that I could not stand the pain, I raised up , and pulled away from him. He simply placed his hand between my shoulder blades, up near my neck, and pressed down, and said, "I'm here. I've got you. You're doing so well. Let it go. You're such a good girl. I know you need this."

the bruises are quite dark. I, for one, love my marks, and bruises. I even have a few welts where he spanked particularly hard, and irritated a few of my stretch marks. Next time he tells me he will use the belt. I think for that, I may ask to use my safe words. Better safe than sorry.

Mr Right has been reading my blogroll, as well as doing some more searching on various topics that interest him, including maintenance spankings, release of emotions, and stress, as well as spankings and other methods used for punishment. He has decided that containment, and "putting me on a shelf," as Vesta described it, is the best way to punish me. We also talked about a way to release my anger, or my energy during a spanking. Tonight, I think he understood that a spanking isn't just a release for me, it's a balancing mechanism. Spanking helps reestablish my equilibrium - his words, a perfect definition, imnsho.

I'm still amazed at how quickly he has taken to all of this, how well he's handled everything I've thrown his way, and that he's done the research to really learn and understand the logistics as well as the dynamics of Taken in Hand and D/s relationships. I've been really thinking about this, and I don't think there's anything more I could ask for in a partner. He really has been a dream come true for me, and me for him.

We talked tonight of how we didn't know what we were missing and longing for until we had each other in our lives. He spoke early on of not realizing that I had what he needed until I was in his life to show him what he had been missing. funny how true that statement really is. This man seems too good to be true. And he feels the same about me. And, this all happened because I went to the local coffee shoppe on the advice of my mother that I needed to get out, and network. Thanks mom!!

And, after only six weeks, Mr Right & I have decided that we're in love, and we're stuck with each other for good. In fact, tonight he told me that he is the last man to whom I ever submit. And, one more bit of control.

He yawned. I said, "don't yawn. It makes me sleepy."

His tone was firm, but pleasant. "I didn't just hear my very good girl tell me what not to do, did I?"

"No Sir."

"Good girls don't tell their Dominants what to do, or not to do, do they?"

"No Sir."

"I didn't think so. And, you are a very good girl, aren't you?"

"yes Sir."

"I thought so."

Tonight is our "me time," so I'm at home on the laptop, and catching up on my various television shows saved on my DVR, while he's out bowling with the boys. I'm to spend five minutes every hour thinking of him and us, and how much I enjoyed the spanking, and how it relaxed and balanced me. What a very lucky girl I am!!

happiness is a pleased Dominant

life is good here. spanking abounds, and Mr Right keeps showing me more of his sadistic tendencies and Dominant persona each and every day. He and I have spent a lot of quiet time together, too, reading books, sipping coffee, him stroking my hair as I doze beside him on the couch. Who knew I could find my Mr Right and Prince Charming (my name for him in front of his family) right here in my hometown? He and I are still both in awe of the ways that we mesh so beautifully, and easily.

I asked him if he was ever concerned when we first met, if he would be too kinky for me. He said he was concerned, and hoped, that I would be just as kinky. I, too, was extremely worried that my kinks and desires would be too much for a 'nilla like him. Little did we know that we were perfectly matched in our sex drive and desires. It just goes to show that you never know the answer until you ask!

and, kudos to the Discerning Dom for his explanation of "what a dom wants." You can check it out here. It made me smile, and helped me to better understand why Mr Right so loves it when I submit.

Happy & Tired

yes, it is very possible to be both. I was thinking of the phrase, "sick & tired," which is where I was but a mere five weeks ago. but "happy & tired" is much more the appropriate definition. I can't imagine being in a better place than where I am in my life right now. ok, maybe if I had enough money to buy my own island, and retire to it with only Mr Right, my daughter, my mother, and staff to care for everyone who came to visit (yes, of course I'd invite YOU, and pick you up in my personal jet), life could be better, but, otherwise, every day is like living my dream come true with Mr Right in my life.

Mr Right & I have spent nearly every day together since we met four weeks ago. He was the one who told me "Happy Anniversary," last night (Tuesday), as it was four weeks ago when I asked him to dinner, and he said "yes." He admitted that before dating me, he never tracked anniversaries, nor did he truly understand the importance of recognizing them. With me, he says anniversaries are important, and have great meaning. He also reminded me that Friday it will be an entire month since our first dinner together. How sweet is that?!

I can't believe it's only been four weeks because it just feels so right being with him. We talk, and walk, and cook, and shop, and sleep together as though we've been together for years. He is just so damned comfortable to me - in body, mind, spirit, ideas, dreams, everthing!

And, for mouse, who hates people who are always happy (giggles - i couldn't resist sweetie), we are really happy all of the time. It's sickening really, like love-sick teenagers, we are! We haven't even had a major disagreement yet. We've talked about a lot of differing opinions, as he's a conservative Republican, and I'm very liberal, and a Taoist to boot (i.e., go with the flow), but we can agree to disagree. We've had our share of deeply emotional discussions, and shed a few tears, but nothing earth-shaking. Oh, we know the disagreements are coming, but we are both amazed that neither of us have found any red flags.

And, considering we are both recovering codependents, who have had difficulty with moderation, (who am I kidding? I HAVE difficulty with moderation!!) we try very hard to keep things in balance, and in perspective.

Having said that, we have had sex every day, or even 2-3 times a day for 24 out of the 29 days we've been together. And, the sex? Amazing, mind-blowing, drench the bed orgasms this man gives me!! I've had more marks on my neck than Dracula's victims! He's given me such intense g-spot orgasms with his hands, and mixing tjat with massive amounts of nipple torture that while I was on my knees, with his fingers stroking my g-spot, my cum was literally running down his arms, and making pools of liquid on the bed. Once he pulled me on top of him, and I slid my cunt over his hard cock, my cum continued to run down his balls, and make an even bigger wet spot under his buttocks.

and the oral sex he wants is heavenly! it's nothing for me to suck on him for 20-30 minutes at a time, building up the saliva so that the spit runs from my mouth, down his balls, where he pushes my head down until my eyes run from choking on him, and I struggle to catch my breath in gasps, my throat sore and burning from his hard thrusts deeper and deeper over the back of my tongue, down my throat, causing me to gag, and swallow, as he moans his pleasure, and calls me his cunt, his pet cumslut, and his fucktoy. Just writing this makes me swollen and wet, wishing he were here to push first his fingers and then his cock deep inside my cunt.

Oh, and let's not forget the spankings where he bruised his hand, and made me fly! I had warned him about my deep subspace, as he had never experienced something like that before. I tried to keep my wits about me enough to tell him that I was going "bye bye" for a little while. He was amazed at the depth of my subspace, and was truly concerned for my well-being, staying with me at all times, kissing my cheek gently, rubbing my hair, and telling me all the while, "I'm right here, baby. You're safe with me. I'm not going to leave you." It was so touching that I cried when I came around, and regained the ability to communicate with him.

He also talked of his realization how important trust was, and how much I trust him, as he noted how easy it would be to mistreat me, and abuse me as I was so vulnerable when I was in subspace. I hugged him tightly, and told him that I did trust him, and was so thankful he appreciated my submission. It was then he told me I was his, and he was mine, and I'd never be submitting to anyone but him ever again. It made my heart leap with joy. so, yes, Vesta, I've got a "live one!" *laughing*

He truly is my Mr Right. I know that I had to experience all the others before him to learn what I wanted and needed in my life. I know that I HAD to learn that my consent is the ultimate truth, and my mental health and well-being are the most important issues. For if I don't take care of me, there will be no one to take care of my daughter.

Oh, yes, speaking of my daughter, she and Mr Right have become even better friends. I asked him to pick up my daughter after school the other day because I was taking my mother out of town to see a doctor. He picked her up, and she asked if she could hang out at his house until her dad came to get her. The two of them watched television, made snacks, and then had a rip-roaring good time picking on me once I arrived at his house. And, then Mr Right met the ex-husband, T, who immediately thought Mr Right was a great guy, especially since our little girl was singing his praises.

And, the business is going great guns! I've tripled my client list, and having more potential clients call every day. pretty soon I'm going to have to hire additional help. Mom & I just aren't going to be able to handle the load alone much longer. Plus I'm still waiting to hear if I'm going to be gaining a national client that would truly "put me on the map." Plus, I still have the option of doing some guest lectures at the community college where Mr Right works, and maybe consider a teaching position there next year.

So, know that I'm still reading all the blogs, thinking of you all, and wishing you all the best life can offer.

And, to my close & personal blog friends (you know who you are), I promise to write very soon.

a quick wave "hello"

all is good. Mr Right allows more of his dominance to show every day. More bite marks to cover up - we've still got to figure out where he can bite that gives me as much of a thrill as it does when he bites my neck. Either that, or find a MUCH better concealer! *laughs* I'm head over heels in love, and still no red flags, not even a shade of pink - well, except on my behind, and in my cheeks. *grins*

Another important note: Mr Right has already figured out that I need a really hard spanking when I'm stressed out. Earlier this week, he knew that I was scheduled for a really difficult day, and it was, indeed, stressful. That night, he took me to bed, and spanked me until I cried, and called "yellow." When I asked him why he did that, he said he knew that I needed the release, and that he had to take care of his baby. I had some really nice diclorations of my rear to prove it, and felt them every time I sat down the next door. Needless to say, I'm all smiles, all the time.

My daughter thinks Mr Right is amazing, and said we could move in with him anytime I'm ready. Wait! This is MY kid talking?! OMG!

Oh, and two more things: business is booming, and I just landed a major role in our community's local play. I'm going to be Nancy in "The Women." Woo Hoo!!

Getting Settled In

Life is very, very good here in Cutesypah's corner of the world. I forgot how much fun it was to be "high" on the chemicals your body creates when you're head over heels in love, and having more sex than you've had since college. Plus, add in all the intoxicating feelings that occur as you define a new D/s relationship, and you've got a two grown adults acting like giggly, love-struck teenagers all over again.

Another spanking session with Mr Right last night left me with some new discoloration on my left side. Previously, it was more pronounced on my right side. Plus, his mouth on my cunt, licking and sucking at my clit until I soaked the bed with my cum, made the spanking all the more pleasurable. Goddess, I'd forgotten what it's like to have a man waiting, willing, and available to have me every time his heart and cock desires. I've once again become the cumslut and fucktoy I have always yearned to be.

Yet, there is so much more to our relationship than just sex, but it does fit the bill nicely. Mr Right commented that I am so much more relaxed, and balanced, since we've begun our journey together. And, yes, my codependency has retreated for now, as there is no drama, and there are no issues nor concerns that I see, or even am trying to ignore, right now. Seriously, I know when I'm ignoring the red flags, and when I'm minimizing, or justifying, or rationalizing someone's behavior. And, I'm just not finding ANYTHING with Mr Right to be concerned about.

This is so wicked good, it's scary!

Today's Special: Plain Vanilla

I just realized something interesting, and something I haven't experienced in a long time: I know I'm falling for Mr Right because many of the things I want to do with him are so vanilla: watching all kinds of movies together, spending the weekend just talking, shopping, cleaning, cooking, and just "being." Oh yes, and all without drama. I haven't felt this way since I decided to get married way back in 1987.

What is it that in your D/s relationship that lets you know THIS is the real thing, and your partnership can stand the test of time?

Under New Management

Well, I spent the weekend with Mr. Right. That's what I'm calling him for now, until we come up with a better name for him. Personally, I think this name is perfect for him. I'm terrified I'm going to frighten him off because I'm falling for him so quickly. But he assures me that he's never met a woman like me, but I'm everything for which he's been searching.

The weekend was relaxing, and simple. Grilled steaks for lunch when I met his parents and nephew; bacon, eggs, and coffee for breakfast this morning, all cooked by him while I watched. He's already bought "toys," including a leather paddle for spankings. And, orgasms by the boat-loads. I'm in heaven!!!!

seriously, I can't find a single thing wrong with this guy. He's attentive, yet reserved. He's private about his kinks, and requires monogamy. He's very interested in the Taken in Hand because of that. He's reading more and more about Dominance, and is enjoying his ability to control me, with little to no effort. Because he has a life, friends and a career, he's not into micromanaging, but is very happy with the "head of household" concept. He's also very much a "nympho" like me, and in fact, I've met him thrust for thrust (for the most part), and even wore HIM out a time or two. That's funny because he's called me a "cougar" a time or two (he's five years younger), but is thrilled with having a "real woman" in touch with her body and comfortable with her sexuality. And, he's quickly admitting that he does have a sadistic streak when it comes to sex, and he's putting my colors to the test, just to see how much pain this girl can handle.

Best of all? He calls me his, and tells me that he's all mine. In not even two weeks. Hmmmm......the last time I fell this hard this fast, (even without the kink and great sex) I got married, had 2 kids, and stayed 17 years. Gosh, with no concern about kids, plus this time getting great sex, the kinks, the Dominance, and an educated man who backs up his arguments with logic and quotes Supreme Court law to me? I'm addicted, completely head over heels, falling in love, bewitched, twitterpated, and captured, hook, line & sinker.

Oh, and to add to the menu? Tantric sex. Yummy! Did I mention I think he's got that "mischievious little boy," "rugged boy next door" Matthew McConaughey look going? I'm telling you - this man looks at me with that glint in his eye, and I'm ready to peel clothes off, drop to my knees, and serve him any way he wishes.

And, the man spanks me like he's been doing this for years. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm a very happy, very thankful submissive!!