Ending on a good note


It's time to close this blog. I don't miss writing, as I'm out living my day to day life, and loving every minute of it.

Mr. Right has taken me in hand, and fully embraced his role in TTWD. I'm now referred to as "girl" almost exclusively, and I love it. I call him "Sir" almost exclusively as well. I simply couldn't be happier, more at peace, content, and in balance.

And that leaves me nothing that I want to write about. Because blogging for me is working through issues. So, thankfully, I've nothing to work "through" in this relationship. I am so blessed to have Mr Right in my life, and in love with me.

So, in the words of Carol Burnett, "I'm so glad we had this time together . . . It's the time for me to say, 'so long.'"

Birthday Girl


It's my birthday! I'm 45 today. It's the first time in a very, very long time, (perhaps ever) that I feel all parts of my life are in balance, and I'm headed in a positive direction.

The only thing that could be better about today is if Mr Right & I were on the beach for a week or so. But, if life were perfect, what would I have to strive for?! *laughs*

Being "human"

Not a light-hearted day. And you might want to stay further away from your screen, because I'm in a mood, and I might even throw something, including a temper tantrum.

I'm out of balance. Wednesday night is a designated spanking night. There was no spanking last night because Mr Right was sick. At first I thought I was mad at him for being sick. Then, I realized I was extremely disappointed.

In my dysfunctional family of origin, being disappointed meant you got angry, and punished others for disappointing you. I know he couldn't help it, and he felt horrible. He even struggled with his own issue of being sick, and appearing "weak" and "helpless" in front of me. It was a tough evening emotionally for us both.

I also know that I'm out of balance because my mother is still living with me while recovering from her surgery. There was a reason that I moved out when I turned 18 - we CANNOT live together. Plus, I'm used to having my own space, and no one to bother me, or hear me when I work through my issues out loud. She has always taken the role of martyr, and she still plays it very well. Plus, she was always sick as I grew up, due to either staying up too late arguing with dad, or hung over. As she was a stay-at-home mom, I never had any time alone. I am now dealing with all of these issues again.

I so want to close my office, send my kid to her dad's and run away to a warm beach somewhere.

But, I digress. Do you ever struggle with your Dominant being "human?" God/dess knows we, as submissives or slaves, struggle with the concept, as does the community itself struggle, with the idea that a slave or submissive is "human," or has "human" needs or wants.

Does your Dominant ever let you see his/her struggle with being "human?"

BTW, the photo is of Vampirella. I read all her comics when I was young - 8 to 12. I have always wanted to be a vamp, and a vampire. yet, I'm afraid of the dark. I know - I'm weird. *shrugs* go figure.

Guns & SSC: death by dumbass

Those of us who are in the lifestyle for a number of years now know that we're considered crazy, dangerous to ourselves and our children, and just down right stupid for using chains, whips, paddles, needles, and god/dess knows what else to get our "kink" on.

But, when you see an article like this: Fatal gunplay in Maine sex dungeon leads to trial is it any wonder that we're all seen as kooks and idiots?!

Why, oh, why, oh why, would you ever consent to play under the influence? I think if anyone would check into these people's backgrounds, not one of them knows anything about RISK or SSC. And probably has had little to no contact with the BDSM community at large.

In the end, it's really sad that someone had to die at the hands of another, and make the rest of us look more like wanna-be serial killers. *sigh*

Behind the Scenes

I love this photo. It was one of the first of Gil Elvgren's prints that I saw, and I immediately fell in love with it.

Having said that, I've been doing a lot behind closed doors lately. And although I'm not yet ready to return to the world of blog on a regular or daily basis, I am missing my creative outlet.

Like other bloggers, I've come to realize that I was writing more for my audience than for me. And, I compare myself to others constantly, wondering why I don't get as many readers as others do. Even when I was writing on a regular basis, I didn't have many readers. And, so I gave up.

But, now I'm back. For the time being. Writing about what concerns me, or what is of interest to me, regardless of what responses come my way. I'm not doing this for profit, or to build a career, so followers don't matter. And I have few online "friends," and a small group of real life friends, so I'm not in need of attention either. But, as a codependent, I'm also one who struggles with moderation. I'm trying to find middle ground with my blogging, my reading of other blogs, comparing myself to other bloggers, and feeling as though I fall desperately short when it comes to subject matter and the ability to express myself.

So, I continue to try to let others see another side of me - to let you peek through the keyhole, and see behind the scene to a part of me only Mr Right sees. He tells me that I'm lovable and loved. This blogging is my attempt to work through my issues, and finally come to believe what he knows is true: I am lovable. I know I'm loved. My depression, and my codependency, and my SAD just doesn't let me accept the lovable part.

Another new year. 2009 was such a roller coaster for me!! 2009 ended on a much better note than 2008 ended. So, I hold out hope that 2010 will be a much happier year, without the constant stress, strife, and disappointment of 2009.

Last year at this time, I wasn't even blogging. Hard to believe. Also hard to believe that last year at this time, I was without a relationship, or dominant in my life, having gotten out of an abusive D/s relationship at the beginning of 2008. I was on a variety of dating sites, meeting all the jerks, and wannabes imaginable.

And then, in July 2009, I met Mr Right. And although the chaos of self-employment, an economy in the toilet, and an overly involved passive agressive mother who served as my office manager/paralegal drove me crazy, Mr Right brought sanity, peace, love, and tranquility to my life.

so, here's to love, and peace, and tranquility. Here's to 2010. May this be the year of peace and love for us all.

New Year - Getting Into Position


As you know, Mr. Right and I are getting married. What you don't know is that I've been helping my mom deal with having part of her lung removed due to cancer. For the next several weeks, she will be living with me and/or Mr Right.
This means little time alone, and virtually no spontaneous sex or play time. Considering the fact there hasn't been much play time for months, this will not be easy for either of us. Our plan was to get back into regular spankings on Wednesday & Saturday, but that plan may have to wait if we're not in the house alone, or can't find a place to be alone.
Thanks to everyone for their continued love and support. And for all your well wishes! Have a Spanking Good New Year!!

Here's the ring


well, Mr. Right proposed, and I said, "yes." I knew the proposal was coming before Christmas, just didn't know when. the wedding will be in July.

We've done our sharing of loving, laughing, spanking, and lots of sex. We've been sick together, miserable together, happy together, and suffered depression, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) together. We had only 2 times when we were at odds, and it lasted only a few minutes. We talked through it all, and knew all the while that it was due to our fatigue, our SAD, and our aches & pains.

I've never been so =content, so peaceful, so happy. He truly is my Prince Charming - my Mr Right. And, now? It's forever.

unraveled-taking a break


I haven't been around in a while. I've noticed others in blogland taking a hiatus. As of this moment, a time-out from worrying about whether or not to blog, and what to say or not say, sounds really good.

I'm exhausted. My office has become so busy, that I'm at the point of considering whether to hire another attorney, and wondering how I'm going to pay for more staff. I barely have the money to pay my bills, and my mother is still working for free.

But neither of us can keep up, particularly with her health in question, due to her age-related issues for a woman in her late 60s, and me, a woman with fibromyalgia, and a self-employed lawyer who is trying to raise a teenage daughter, and develop a permanent relationship with Mr Right.

I worked all night Thursday night, and filed an important motion to substitute out a judge for cause on Friday morning. I'm also handling an appeal in the same case, plus my other cases. Mr. Right was also my Prince Charming in that he made sure I got some rest, and yet, got up in sufficient time to prepare the motion to file before court. Then I spent the rest of the day trying to catch up on sleep. Still, we're both exhausted. And my motion that I spent all the time on was denied. I'm so frustrated and tired that I could just collapse on the floor and cry like a 3 year old who desperately needs a nap.

Spanking still helps keeps me balanced, and Mr Right did a fine job of giving me some "sub space" with a healthy spanking Saturday night before we went to a friend's Halloween costume party. The party was fun, and we went as Captain Jack Sparrow & his pirate slut. My friends' band played and we had a few fun hours.

Today he's watching football while we do laundry, run errands, and I figure out how to deal with the court issues that arose from my Friday filing. And get some sleep.

I love you all. and I miss you too. I haven't even had the time or energy to read other blogs and post to them. I hope everyone is doing well. I'll be back, but I just don't know when.....
Feel free to drop me a line at cutesypah@gmail.com.

Keep spanking! It works if you work it!!

and then SAD set in.....

I have seasonal affective disorder - SAD. so, in the autumn and winter, I feel horrible - depressed, moody, and lots of pain. and because I understand the Law of Attraction, and recognize how it works, when I'm down and sad, things around me do not go well, or break, or stop working. my laptop died. my sleep number bed broke. my daughter's laptop keyboard now has a broken "f" key because I was trying to remove a piece of paper stuck under it, and the plastic key cover came off and I can't get it back on.

and a judge completely ignored what I'd filed with the court (an emergency motion including physical abuse of a 12 year old by his 16 year old brother including bruises due to choking), and ordered the child back to his father. I was devastated. and to compound misery, my daughter also has SAD and has been yelling at me. plus my mom had a colonoscopy where they removed a polyp and we're waiting on results. oh yea, and Mr. Right's sick too.

could I be anymore of an "Eeyore" right now?

Air Force graduation was very good and very bad. my son graduated with honors which means you must rank in the top ten percent in all categories. But, you must also be nominated by your instructor for honors. I was SO proud, and my son looked wonderful. The bad part? My ex was there with his girlfriend who is a complete jerk, and my kids hate her, particularly my son. And my ex's parents, the ones who broke up my marriage, were there as well. I finally had a mini-hissy fit when they ran off and left me, my daughter, Mr Right & my mother wondering where they had gone, and where they were. plus, it went from 90 degrees to 60 degrees with rain, and more rain. The hotel had water standing in the hall ways. But, my son was happy to see us, and that was wonderful.

Neither of us have felt well at the same time for spanking since our return from the Air Force graduation. Although he and I both know we both could use the release, we agree that it wouldn't be prudent when I'm hurting, and he's not rested enough to monitor me closely.

The one very bright shining time in all this woe and misery? Mr. Right took me shopping for engagement and wedding rings this past weekend!!! The joke is that he's deciding how expensive I am before he decides to propose. LOL! Seriously, we had a great time looking at rings, as neither of us had ever done that before. And he was thrilled & surprised that I had no clue he was going to take me to look at rings. Although we were exhausted by the time we arrived home (it's 1.5 hours one way to a shopping mall), we had a great time learning more about our likes and how well we each work together to understand and respect our different opinions.

a quick wave "hello"

Hi all. Super busy. Super tired. Super happy. Laptop died. Another trial Friday & starting to write an appeal. Be back to write more soon. Weekend trip to Air Force graduation was wonderful. Mr Right bought me a formal collar that I can wear with my suits. Doesn't cover the hickey bite marks though. *grins*

trusting Mr Right

It's pouring rain outside. I want to be snuggled under the covers with Mr Right while the rain splatters on the concrete under the window. but, instead, I'm on the couch writing this instead of getting ready for work.

Mr Right and I had a wonderful trip to the beach, and are getting ready to leave again for my son's Air Force basic training graduation on Wednesday.

And, we continue to get closer, and the bond becomes stronger between us every day. we've talked of marriage, of planning a wedding, and combining our households. but, it's not official. no proposal, but I'm told it's coming. I'm so excited that I could run screaming down the street, "He loves me! He loves me!! He loves me!!!" and I don't run. Ever. *laughs*

To top it all off? To make things even better? We had anal sex on Saturday night. Our first time together. I love anal sex. It's an amazing, intimate experience that I've shared with two people before Mr Right. He had anal sex before, but it wasn't memorable, because his partners weren't really into it. So, together, for us, it was incredibly intimate, and built an even stronger level of trust between us.

Anal sex, for me, requires lots of lube, lots of deep breathing, and lots of focus on relaxation. I have always controlled the initial penetration because I didn't trust my partner not to hurt me. I've always sat on my partner's lap, facing him, knees bent, my thighs outside his, and simply lowered myself onto his cock. I couldn't manage that this time, so I let Mr Right penetrate me, first from behind, and then I was on my back, legs raised, as he pushed inside me. He was so very gentle, and tender, and was thrilled that I trusted him so completely.

When it was apparent he wasn't going to cum that way, and my body was aching from fatigue, we stopped, and just rested in each other's arms. The only time I ever felt closer to a human being was when my children were born, and again, as they were so tiny, and held onto me for love and comfort. It was one of those moments that I will carry with me for a lifetime - the realization that I belong, that I matter, and that someone has penetrated my internal walls, and he will not abuse the trust I have placed in him.

With Mr Right, there are no doubts, no nagging fears, no wishes that this or that were different. I don't remember feeling like this about anyone before. Yes, I've been head over heels in love, or so I thought. But even then, there were things about my love interest that I dreaded, or disliked, or thought I wanted to, or could, change.

This time, those fears, or nagging worries, or dislikes don't exist. And, trust me, I've looked for them, and poured through my thoughts, and impressions, and memories to find any red flags I've overlooked or ignored. There are none.

Life is good. I'm happy. I'm in love. I'm lovable. I'm loved. Life is good.

albertville, al police cruiserImage by Johnny Stiletto via Flickr

News like this makes me CRAZY!!

Mon Oct 5, 9:07 pm ET - from the Associated Press

ALBERTVILLE, Ala. – An Alabama woman has been charged with endangering the welfare of a child after police say she let her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van. Albertville Police spokesman Sgt. Jamie Smith said the 37-year-old woman was arrested Sunday after police received a call about a minivan on a state highway with a child riding on top.

Smith said the woman told police the box was too big to go inside the van, and that her daughter was inside the box to hold it down.

Smith said the mother told officers it was safe because she had the box secured to the van with a clothes hanger.

The 13-year-old daughter wasn't harmed and was turned over to a relative. A jail worker said the mother was out on bond Monday.



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Spankings and "Glee"


from Sue Sylvester on Fox TV hit show Glee: "You know caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States but ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing — caning WORKS! And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those naysayers out there who say “That’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks!” Well to them I say “Yes we CANE!” And that’s how Sue C’s it!"


Did anyone else see this? I love this show, and I laughed my ass off this segment of the show was on national television!!

so it's 3am, and I'm in a beach side hotel watching Mr Right sleep. Things are wonderful. I won another trial last week, and got paid in full immediately afterwards. Yay! My daughter is staying with a friend this week while I'm gone, and my son graduates basic training next week.

I haven't had a maintenance spanking in a few days because of the travel, but I'm actually handling it quite well. There hasn't been a great deal of stress this week because of the mini-vacation, so I've been able to maintain balance without a spanking.

Maintenance spankings work well when I'm under a great deal of stress. Spankings are also part of our foreplay. So, getting a good spanking is like a runner's high for me. They bring all my suppressed emotions to the surface: anger, depression, failure, frustration, regret, exhaustion, confusion and more.

Mr Right knows that when I've been very busy, very focused, and driven to be the best as an attorney, he knows that my little girl inside feels the need to be cared for. She wants to cry but doesn't dare for looking weak. She wants to crawl under the covers, but doesn't dare because there are too many deadlines to meet. Because I strive to be the "perfect little girl," at all times, he knows this is a terrible strain on me.

A good, hard spanking will bring me to tears, forcing me to cry out, as I fight not to let the pain overwhelm me. But, before too many strokes, I've given in to the emotions, let the tears flow, as my cries permeate the air. And, in a short while, the endorphins flood my brain and body, and I'm drifting, "flying" as it were, and typically falling into a dreamy sleepy state. For me, it's like a meditative state, that feeling of not being awake, not yet asleep, just cozy, and comfy, and happy - deliriously happy, as though I'm floating on clouds.

I believe this is why I can't handle spankings for punishment. It's too confusing for me to separate the punishment/guilt/disappointment from a spanking that can also transport me to a most relaxed state, or sexually stimulate me, and bring me such heightened sexual pleasure.

If spanking is associated with punishment, all those other benefits are lost. This is why the worst punishment for me is giving me a "time out." That action makes it clear that I have lost sight of what is best for our relationship, and need to figure out how to make US a priority again.

So, I'm off to read about what all my friends are up to in our corner of blogworld. Bottoms Up!!

spanking with a safeword

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what's in a label? what is US?

A male and a female holding hands.Image via Wikipedia

Mr Right & I talk about everything. He reads all the blogs I follow, and we discuss the ideas presented, as well as my responses to those blogs. And, we've talked about slavery, and his role in our relationship, whether he is Master, Owner, Dominant, or HOH.

Once upon a time, I considered myself a slave. I did this because I wanted the release of responsibility, to not have to think after a long hard day at work. but I didn't have a man who was mentally and emotionally strong enough to dominate me, and capable of handling the responsibility needed to control and satisfy me. I needed an emotional rock, a man who was completely responsible for running his own life, for having a career, and running his own household without me.

The two men I chose before I met Mr Right were not sufficiently competent at meeting those requisites I mentioned. and, truth be told, my career and my duty as a parent is such that I cannot be a slave, and give up all my rights. I respect my own accomplishments far too much to allow another to take credit for or ignore what it took for me to be where I am today. I am no longer satisfied or interested in being property.

as for my submission, this, too, varies on a daily basis. I know, in my heart, I always have the right to say "no" to Mr Right. and, I know that most times, and most days, I never want to say "no" to Mr. Right. But, here's the kicker: he KNOWS this! and he knows that if I do say "no" it's because I really, really, don't feel well, because as I've said before, I like having sex when I'm sick. and, because Mr Mr Right believes in the idea that he may hurt me but will never "harm" me, he knows that if I'm turning down the chance at sex, it's because my fibro is acting up, and I'll tell him as much.

Mr Right only has two rules for me: I must not be unfaithful, and I must not lie to him. These are fairly straightforward easy rules to follow. My rules (yes, I have rules, too) are that he will be faithful, that he will never hit me in anger, and that he will never lie to me. Everything else simply will be handled as it comes up.

We both agree that we will never play mindgames with each other. We may role-play, or tease each other, but if one or both of us ever questions the other's pov, or get his/her feelings hurt, we immediately call a "time out" to talk about it - NOW. Otherwise, the rule is that things we say and do as they reference each other are said in love, and are to tease and play. Basically, we want our lives together to be filled with love, and lust, and to have fun, to enjoy each other. We want each other to be deliriously happy, and satiated by our life together.

I believe that our relationship, if it must be labeled and/or defined, falls somewhere in the midst of D/s, Taken in Hand, and Domestic Discipline. We are committed to each other, and to US. Our relationship is an US, a WE kinda thing. And there's no real label for that anywhere that I've found. I guess you could call it "haute couture," or a private designer label. yeah, that's a fitting label for US. It's OUR relationship, and it works for US.

There is no removing of a collar, although I mentally have one, with plans to find a real one, and a bracelet for him. Why a bracelet for him? Because he realizes that he is bound to me by holding the chain that hangs around my neck. He wants something to wear that allows me to realize he, too, honors our commitment. And when it comes time to acknowledge our relationship and commitment in the 'nilla world, there will be rings, and no removal of those, except to sleep and take a shower, or for safety reasons. There is no release, other than that from orgasms.

If one of our rules noted above are broken, even then, there is no guarantee or agreement that our relationship ends. We have made a lifetime commitment to each other. And, we chose to make that commitment. We see this type of commitment like we are family of choice, but family nonetheless, that you don't simply release because it's permanent. And, trust me, with knowing all the people we do who have divorced, being divorced myself, and being a divorce lawyer, Mr Right and I take this type of commitment VERY seriously. it IS binding, and carries with it great responsibility and effort, and with untold rewards far greater than we could ever imagine.

So, knowing all this, we both think we are so extremely lucky that we've each found a partner who understands US. After all these years of his being single, or for me, being in unsatisfying relationships, and my being told that there is no one out there for me, we both feel so blessed to have found each other. seriously, finding the One who knows, accepts, and enjoys your kinks, who knows accepts and loves you, exactly as you are, who yearns to know more about you, who wants to grow and expand together, and who wants nothing more than your happiness? Even lottery winners and celebrities don't have it this good!
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Satiated

What satiates you? This was a post that I've pondered a while.

I'm satiated when I have multiple g-spot orgasms, combined with clitoral orgasms, and I ejaculate, my juices "gushing out" over myself and Mr Right, pooling on the sheets, drenching us both in cum.

Really good mexican food, combined with a small frozen strawberry margarita

Really good hot wings with blue cheese dressing, and a really cold glass of water with lemon

Olive Garden Black Tie Mousse Cheesecake

curled up on the couch, reading a good paranormal fiction novel, in front of the roaring fireplace, while it snows outside, and I'm munching on Gardettos rye chips, and drinking Diet Mt Dew

lying on the beach, drinking pina coladas, while the sum warms my well-oiled body, and my loved one is next to me, smiling at me, while we talk about the great sex we just had up in our room.

walking a horse through the forest, listening to the hooves crunch on the underbrush

listening to the ocean surf

listening to it rain while I'm snuggled in bed, talking a nap

sitting on the couch, watching and listening to my daughter tell me about her day, and how happy she is

hugging, and kissing, and making love to Mr Right

on my knees kneeling as I take Mr Right's cock into my mouth, and inhale his scent as his presence and love touches my heart and soul

What satiates you?

it's been a while


since I've visited the blogosphere, and checked in with my blog friends. so many things happen here in blogland, in such a short period of time. hearts are hurt, new acquaintances made, bonds are broken, trust mended, and feelings pour out over the posts like maple syrup drizzled over french toast.

I promised myself I'd get to bed early tonight, because I've not been getting much sleep due to spending lots of play time with Mr Right. but, since I haven't been online much, I just had so many blogs to read, and reply posts to make, and here it is way after my bed time, and I still haven't posted anything to my own blog.

so, I'm hoping all of you have a wonderful weekend. I, for one, had a long, hard week, with two more long hard weeks ahead.

the good news? Mr Right have made plans to spend a weekend on the beach together, after I meet with my potential national, actually, international, not-for-profit client. YES!! I mean, yes, it's great about the client, but even better than I'm getting some real adult time with Mr Right on the BEACH!! I love the ocean as does he. and this will be our first trip together. can you say, "wonderful?" I thought you could.

oh, yes, and let's not forget: the weekend after that my son will be graduating from Air Force basic training. this will be another weekend with Mr Right and my family. two trips in a row! WOO HOO!!

this weekend, I hope to post about what wonderful things Mr Right and I have learned about each other in the last seven days. more about dominance, submission, spankings, and gluten-free cooking....

a mutual "time out"


Wednesday night, I realized that I forgot to complete an assignment given to me by Mr Right. I was getting the bed ready for the night when he asked if I had gone into the bathroom after court and twisted my nipples until they were hard and sensitive. I had a great day in court, and it completely slipped my mind. I was so upset that I forgot Mr Right's instructions, and he was disappointed as well.

so, I was put in "time out" because, mentally, I don't handle punishment spankings well. Five minutes I was sitting on the couch, in the dark, instructed to think about how I could better remember his instructions in the future. While I was sitting there, I realized I would have preferred the spanking. *smiles*

little did I know that while I was sitting on the couch in the dark, Mr Right was giving himself a "time out" as well. He was lying in the dark, on his bed, thinking of ways to he can ensure that I follow his instructions. Because he knows I'm very busy, and I would never forget an order or instruction intentionally, he thought of ways that HE, as the Dominant and Leader, could help me stay focused on him, on me, and, most importantly, on us.

He came to get me, and to bring me to his bed, and into his arms. He explained how this was a mutual "time out" as he explained that he has a responsibility to help me remember these things, as he knows how busy my work life is, and how easy it is to forget such things when I've been in court, and am ethically bound by my law license to be focused on what is best for my clients. So, he will use our private blog to remind me of those instructions until they become habit, much like my thinking of him and us for five minutes every other hour throughout my day.

I was blown away by his insight, his understanding, and his commitment to us. He doesn't want me to fail, or to struggle, or to become frustrated, when it comes to my thoughts about him, and about us. He WANTS me to be happy.

He may like playing with me, and watching my struggle against the spankings, or tease me until I laugh when we talk of politics, and our differing opinions of the world at large. but, all in all, he WANTS me to be happy, to smile when I think of him and us, to grin foolishly when I remember our intimate moments, to lick my lips in wicked anticipation when I recall his lips on mine, and his hand upon my red and sore behind after a most delicious spanking.

So, I completed all of his instructions on Thursday in a timely manner. I am a very happy, and satisfied woman, well-balanced with the knowledge of how blessed I am to have found a man who clearly understands, respects, and accepts his responsibility as my Dominant and Owner.

God/dess I love this man. How did I ever get so lucky?!

"You Belong to Me"

This was a message sent to me by Mr Right on our private blog. He knows that he caresses my very soul when he says, "You're mine. You belong to me." It was so thoughtful that I had to share it. Listen and enjoy.




Codependence & Submission: They ARE Different

I wrote this a few months ago, when I was struggling to understand myself and why I was miserable in my LDR. I rediscovered this post on Friday. I, for one, was impressed with my self-analysis. So, I post this for your consideration. This is another long hard look at the mind, heart and soul of cutesypah.
*****************************************************
For years, I've been thinking about the difference between codependence and submission: wondering if there WAS a difference, and how to succinctly and concisely explain the cohesion or lack thereof between them. and, ultimately, figure out if I'm a submissive, and a codependent, or simply a codependent who attempts to find her happiness by serving others and ignoring my own needs and wants.

and, in my reading on the site, "Breaking the Cycles" I found these four definitions of codependence in the article, "Codependent Behavior Patterns Are A Choice,"


An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules. –Robert Subby

A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain. –The Johnson Institute


A stressful learned behavior associated with an unhealthy focus on the needs of others and/or attempting to take responsibility for the behavior of others.

–Brian DesRoches


We begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy, and inappropriate behaviors. Then we go one step further, we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal.

–Melody Beattie


Only after reading these words for what is likely the hundredth time, I *finally* realized the difference between codependence and submission - responsibility for one's actions, or, in other words, acceptance and choice.

So, I'll be the first to admit it: I likely developed submissive tendencies in order to survive in my home, and keep my parents happy. I was a people pleaser, and performed, on cue, as a small child, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at two for quarters, and "Twas the Night Before Christmas" at 4 for a dollar. My parents boasted they could take me anywhere, and I always behaved, perfectly. I was the perfect child, unless I spoke out, or acted like a child should, and threw the occasional temper tantrum, for which I was soundly spanked, and sent to my room where I was grounded for the entire day. In essence, I couldn't be the "normal" child without being punished - hence, came my strive for perfectionism.

And, from this, came my need to serve, to ignore my own wants and needs (for I would be punished for them if I voiced them), and to do whatever I could to gain my parents' attention, and perhaps, the occasional kiss on the cheek, or a pat on the head, the consummate display of approval.

so, submission was the only way I knew how to relate, and to get affection. and, when the sexual cravings started, at age 10, and I could look at my father's magazine stash (for at the time he worked for the world's premier porn printer/publisher), I saw women servicing men. Top that off with my reading all the romance novels where strong women are always overcome and taken care of by stronger men, and you have all the makings of a female submissive looking for that "perfect" Dominant who will come to rescue me, give me all the love I didn't have in my childhood, and who will let me grow up big, and strong, and will love me no matter how badly I behave.

Submit is defined by www.dictionary.com as, inter alia, "to yield to another," or "to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision," or "to present to another for approval, consideration," or "to subject one's self to a kind of treatment or influence."

Now, compare this to the definition above for codependence: a learned behavior in response to stressful situations, with an unhealthy focus on another's needs, and to take responsibility for another's behaviors (note the word "behaviors," rather than "actions." is that important?)

Is this why we don't have Dominants concerned about acting codependently, only submissives? I don't hear Dominants talking about how they are responsible for their submissive's behavior. Yet, I read about submissives, time and again, myself included, talking of their Dominant ignoring them, punishing them, and how the submissive blames herself (I know few male submissives so I focus on what I know) for her Dominant's behavior. In fact, the submissives I read about, talk of how they are "less" submissive because they question their Dominant's behavior, or perhaps, wonder if they are submissive at all, because their Dominant doesn't treat them properly, or doesn't behave in a Domly manner, or Goddess forbid, the Dom claims to "always be right, no matter what."

Now, I am beginning to realize that we choose to submit, and the Dominant chooses to accept our submission. But, if we are really strong, why do we question our submission when he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, his end of the "power exchange"? Isn't this the definition of codependence - accepting responsibility for his behaviors?

And, do we submit because we wish to give deference, or because we wished to be loved? Or is it true that submissives confuse submission with love? Does sub frenzy pull us over the edge, until we feel bound by our commitment, our agreement and willingness to submit, afraid if we withdraw our consent, that we seal our fate in being known as "less than" a perfect submissive/slave because we couldn't endure or tolerate the situation? isn't that also the definition of codependence - a learned set of maladaptive behavior while adhering to an oppressive set of rules?

I know this is a fine line I'm drawing, but I believe it's necessary, for me, at least, to review and analyze this line drawn in the sand. I need to know whether this is a line I can cross, can live with, or whether this is a wall that will cut me off from myself, or cause me to always ponder and wonder if it's greener on the other side, or whether the line will be, at some point, the line around my neck, hanging me, as a martyr, willing to be victimize myself in order to reach for that elusive relationship of Dominant and submissive that I can never quite reach without killing myself in the process.

Where do we draw the line between healthy interdependence/power exchange and unhealthy codependence/taking responsibility for the other's behavior? Why is it only submissives who seem to blur this line, while so many Dominants seem to ignore this line? What is the difference between saying, "this doesn't work for me," and saying, "He owns me, and I must accept what he gives me, like it or not"?

So where is the line drawn between submissive and doormat? What is the difference between submitting to his whims, and tolerating his neglect and abuse? As the Kind Dom, Pygar, asks, what of training and rules when it amounts to emotional damage? As David from A View From the Top notes that public displays of humiliation force the public to accept one's D/s interactions.
And Sir J notes that submissives are moody and high-maintenance. Really? Really? Or is it that we're trying to find that ever-moving line in the sand, trying to decide if we will cross it, feel comfort from knowing our boundaries, or see it as a line tightening into a noose? What of the thought that Dominants are high-maintenance and moody? is that acceptance on the submissive's part, or tolerance of inappropriate behavior?

What of the gentleman Dominant? What of the Daddy Dom who wishes to support and encourage? What of the submissive who craves objectification, and wants all of her thoughts, and actions to be controlled by another? What of the slave who recognizes that her needs are not met by her Master? Does this truly mean she is not a slave? OR is the reality that the Master who controls her does not understand her needs, and perhaps she would better flourish under the watchful eye, and different perceptions and actions of another Master?

does one's question about getting her/his wants or needs met make her/him less of a submissive/slave? I think not. but many do not agree with me. Ahhh...but this is my blog, not theirs. and this is my perception of me, not theirs.
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After six weeks with Mr Right, many of my codependent tendencies have seemingly disappeared. The regular spankings keep me in balance. I do not feel the need to prove my abilities to others, because I receive constant approval, acceptance, love, and guidance from the one who matters most to me: Mr Right. He sees when I'm out of balance, and knows when I need release, long before I do. Yes, I can't see right away what hurts me, as I learned long ago to deny the pain in order to survive, and hence, my tolerance for acceptable pain and unacceptable behavior is quite high. He knows and sees this is not good for me.
He sees a real difference between the woman he met in the coffee shoppe a few months ago, and the woman I am now. I am more calm, more open, more at peace, and less concerned about the need to impress others, all because I know that the one I love is pleased and impressed by my actions and my words.

All I needed was a constant hand at the small of my back, constant reassurance of his presence, a reminder of his strength, compassion and love, and the knowledge that he will catch me if I fall. I also know that by pressing my back into his hand, he knows that I walk at his pace, and do not wish to separate myself from him. I yield to him. And in turn, my submission strengthens us both, without my codependence getting in the way.