Cutesypah's Corner

I'm reading through the news, and I'm taken aback by several stories: 1) the Harvard Professor arrested for breaking into his own home after returning from an overseas trip; 2) the officers in Illinois who were sued for taking a stun gun to 4 children; and 3) the argument that health care reform might pay for abortions.

One: anyone who is in their home has a right to break into their own home, but the officers are accused of racial profiling which I consider a disgusting but real habit many officers have, because I've personally witnessed it while on the job.

Two: any officer who would use a stun gun on a child under the age of 16 should be removed from duty, and arrested for child abuse - stun guns are better than a real gun, yes, but they should be used as infrequently as a real gun, and unless a child is armed (which these were not), it's inappropriate and cruel.

Three: first off, I don't have an issue with abortion because I'm pro-choice. Every woman should have the right to terminate a pregnance, imnsho. But, what really irks me is that the people who are arguing against the health care funding as it relates to abortion, commented only on whether President Obama's mother or Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' mother would have had an abortion? What of all the white policy makers who grew up in poor households? Why does no one mention them and their mothers having abortions? This country is STILL run by white males, and as a female, it makes me crazy!!

So much for tolerance, and the premise put forth on the base of the Statue of Liberty. Although I'm certainly no Walter Cronkite, "that's the way it is," this 21st day of July, 2009.

I always read from hazelden.org, the "Language of Letting Go" written by Melody Beattie. Today's post, for July 14, 2009, started with this quote from "Codependent No More," which is also written by Melody Beattie:

Even if the most important person in your world
rejects you, you are still real and you are still okay.

In my drive to please others, I often forget myself. Things did not go well this weekend. I'm struggling to remember that I am lovable, I am special, and I deserve happiness. I also struggle to remember this quote above - that even if as a submissive, if I do not please the Dominant in my life, his displeasure doesn't make me "less than," or unworthy to be shown or given the same or greater respect, consideration, compassion, honesty, and common courtesies than one would give to a colleague, business associate, or co-worker.

But I was not given those same courtesies or consideration. For Daddy became angry when I was hurting during a scene, as I became cold, and started going into what I can only compare to a state of shock. He wanted to have anal sex, and I was trying to insert a vibrator to stretch myself. But, I couldn't stop shaking, and felt as though I were going to vomit. I asked if I could stop. He became angry, left me in the bedroom, and went to the couch. He didn't check on me, as I took my meds and passed out. He came to bed sometime during the night, as this incident occurred sometime around midnight.

Yet, I'm to be understanding because he didn't feel well, but didn't make that known to me, and then, when I was on my way out the door Sunday evening to pick up my daughter from visitation with her father, Daddy asked me if I would be upset if he left to go home. He was supposed to stay until Monday. I was actually getting into my car, already running 10 minutes late, and he asked me this, in a loud voice across the driveway. I told him I didn't have time to talk about this now. When I got back (it's one hour each way, plus talking time) he was gone.

And I didn't hear from him again until Monday evening, when he left a voicemail message saying he had to go home because he was ill, and the dr confirmed it.

and so I sit, alone, wondering what will become of Daddy & cutesypah. But in the meantime, I say to myself, "I'm lovable. You may not be able to love me the way I need to be loved, but that doesn't make me less lovable, or less ok. I'm great just the way I am."

I posted much of this same remark on Sir J's blog, in response to his most recent post "Rain Rain Go Away." Because my post turned into a rant, which details my very convoluted and crabby state of mind, I decided to post it here.
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As a Taoist, I must say that there cannot be sun without rain, dark without light, day without night, good without evil, happiness without sorrow. To every action there is a reaction. Simple, logical and powerful.

And there cannot be a Dominant without a submissive. Yin and Yang.

And, yes, it takes many things for one to be a submissive. I am demanding, and in so being, I understand when something is demanded of me. I expect my directions to be followed, and so, I understand when I am to follow directions. I demand to be respected, and understand when respect is demanded of me.

But, do NOT for a minute interpret my submission as weakness. It takes great strength and resolve for me to submit, and is expected. But, for those of us who are high maintenance, it feels like work, and we wonder if our efforts are appreciated. I can understand how Dominants can feel the same - lots of work to keep us satisfied with sometimes so little appreciation shown for the Dominant's efforts.

It must be balanced, all work and no play makes Jack and Jill fussy, unhappy, and feeling unappreciated.

It's all about balance, and moderation in all things, including moderation.

It's hard to remember to appreciate the sun when it's 100 degrees in the shade, and our electricity bill is through the roof. At the same time, it's hard to appreciate the rain when it's flooded our basement, mold is growing on the walls, and we would die for a moment of sunshine.

Yin and Yang. A delicate balance, not truly appreciated until we crave that which we do not have at our instant disposal. Instant gratification has left us a group of high-maintenance people, left unsatisfied at the first instance of boring or "ho-hum"

But don't tell me what I want to hear, and then be surprised when I ask you to act in line with your words. Don't be surprised when you know I'm a woman of my word, and demand that you be a person your word as well.

And, don't be surprised when I call a "time out" on my submission, and demand to be heard as an equal, as a partner, as a person, as a professional, intelligent, licensed, and at the top of her field.

and don't you DARE question my demand to be heard as a parent, first and foremost, in assuring my young teenage daughter has a happy, stress-free, household, for I've done a DAMN good job of raising her, and I'm not going to stop doing that now because I'm a submissive.

So, I finally admit it: I'm high-maintenance, and I deserve to be treated with kid gloves. I've spent my time in the ring duking it out with my former partners. Now is MY time to be placed on the pedestal.

I like the view.

Check out the interesting discussion on Ownership and Entitlement at Sir J's blog. He was discussing a post at The Thinking Dominant, which asks about ownership and entitlement. In essence, I'm restating my comment on Sir J's blog.

I think the better word is "privilege" rather than "entitlement." I see a huge difference between entitlement and privilege. I believe ownership, as in ownership of me, is a privilege, not a right. I believe it's always a privilege, rather than a right, as I can change my mind at any time - I always have the CHOICE to submit, which alters his ability to Dominate from a right (always entitled, regardless) to a privlege, which exists solely on my choice to submit.

So, let's look at the difference in definitions. Entitlement is defined by Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, as "a right to benefits specified especially by law or contract." A privilege is defined by Merriam-Webster as "a right or immunity granted as a peculiar benefit, advantage, or favor," but not one granted by law or contract.

We, as a community talk endlessly about consent in a D/s relationship, and most agree it is that consent which makes it far different from domestic violence or abuse. If an Owner/Dominant had the "right" enforced by law or legally binding contract, there would be no need for consent. But, no one has that right, or is protected by any law or legally binding contract which allows him to treat his submissive in a manner that violates her consent.

If you're wondering, I keep talking of a "legally binding contract" because we all should know that while there are many BDSM and D/s contracts, absolutely none of them should be considered legally binding.

As a US citizena, Daddy and I are entitled to the right to vote, the right to remain free from imprisonment for announcing our opinions about the government, religion, and other public figures (i.e,, freedom of speech), and the right to remain free of physical abuse or harm from others in the community. Those rights or entitlements are enforced by law or contract. Otherwise, our other freedoms, such as having the money to own a home, a license to drive a car, are privileges. We as US citizens don't have the "right" to own a car, or a home. This explains why there are so many rules in most areas of our lives, as we do not have the RIGHT to act as we wish.

Thus, it is a privilege to own a submissive, as it is by agreement between two people, and not enforced by law. No one has the right by law or by entitlement to own a slave. But, if two people agree to such ownership, then it becomes a privilege, and one that can be removed by choice, as that agreement is not enforced by law or a legally binding contract. Thus, a Dominant is privileged if he has a significant other who wants to submit to his every desire, and his "rights" to that ownership are obliterated if his partner's agreement to submit is withdrawn. Hence, my opinion that Ownership is a privilege, not an entitlement.

I'm glad Sir J brought this up. I knew that I wasn't comfortable with the word, "entitlement" in The Thinking Dominant's post, but until I saw Sir J's post, I hadn't given the question sufficient thought to clearly define my discomfort with the word "entitlement."