It's my birthday! I'm 45 today. It's the first time in a very, very long time, (perhaps ever) that I feel all parts of my life are in balance, and I'm headed in a positive direction.
The only thing that could be better about today is if Mr Right & I were on the beach for a week or so. But, if life were perfect, what would I have to strive for?! *laughs*
I'm out of balance. Wednesday night is a designated spanking night. There was no spanking last night because Mr Right was sick. At first I thought I was mad at him for being sick. Then, I realized I was extremely disappointed.
In my dysfunctional family of origin, being disappointed meant you got angry, and punished others for disappointing you. I know he couldn't help it, and he felt horrible. He even struggled with his own issue of being sick, and appearing "weak" and "helpless" in front of me. It was a tough evening emotionally for us both.
I also know that I'm out of balance because my mother is still living with me while recovering from her surgery. There was a reason that I moved out when I turned 18 - we CANNOT live together. Plus, I'm used to having my own space, and no one to bother me, or hear me when I work through my issues out loud. She has always taken the role of martyr, and she still plays it very well. Plus, she was always sick as I grew up, due to either staying up too late arguing with dad, or hung over. As she was a stay-at-home mom, I never had any time alone. I am now dealing with all of these issues again.
I so want to close my office, send my kid to her dad's and run away to a warm beach somewhere.
But, I digress. Do you ever struggle with your Dominant being "human?" God/dess knows we, as submissives or slaves, struggle with the concept, as does the community itself struggle, with the idea that a slave or submissive is "human," or has "human" needs or wants.
Does your Dominant ever let you see his/her struggle with being "human?"
BTW, the photo is of Vampirella. I read all her comics when I was young - 8 to 12. I have always wanted to be a vamp, and a vampire. yet, I'm afraid of the dark. I know - I'm weird. *shrugs* go figure.
Those of us who are in the lifestyle for a number of years now know that we're considered crazy, dangerous to ourselves and our children, and just down right stupid for using chains, whips, paddles, needles, and god/dess knows what else to get our "kink" on.
I love this photo. It was one of the first of Gil Elvgren's prints that I saw, and I immediately fell in love with it.
Having said that, I've been doing a lot behind closed doors lately. And although I'm not yet ready to return to the world of blog on a regular or daily basis, I am missing my creative outlet.
Like other bloggers, I've come to realize that I was writing more for my audience than for me. And, I compare myself to others constantly, wondering why I don't get as many readers as others do. Even when I was writing on a regular basis, I didn't have many readers. And, so I gave up.
But, now I'm back. For the time being. Writing about what concerns me, or what is of interest to me, regardless of what responses come my way. I'm not doing this for profit, or to build a career, so followers don't matter. And I have few online "friends," and a small group of real life friends, so I'm not in need of attention either. But, as a codependent, I'm also one who struggles with moderation. I'm trying to find middle ground with my blogging, my reading of other blogs, comparing myself to other bloggers, and feeling as though I fall desperately short when it comes to subject matter and the ability to express myself.
So, I continue to try to let others see another side of me - to let you peek through the keyhole, and see behind the scene to a part of me only Mr Right sees. He tells me that I'm lovable and loved. This blogging is my attempt to work through my issues, and finally come to believe what he knows is true: I am lovable. I know I'm loved. My depression, and my codependency, and my SAD just doesn't let me accept the lovable part.
Another new year. 2009 was such a roller coaster for me!! 2009 ended on a much better note than 2008 ended. So, I hold out hope that 2010 will be a much happier year, without the constant stress, strife, and disappointment of 2009.
Last year at this time, I wasn't even blogging. Hard to believe. Also hard to believe that last year at this time, I was without a relationship, or dominant in my life, having gotten out of an abusive D/s relationship at the beginning of 2008. I was on a variety of dating sites, meeting all the jerks, and wannabes imaginable.
And then, in July 2009, I met Mr Right. And although the chaos of self-employment, an economy in the toilet, and an overly involved passive agressive mother who served as my office manager/paralegal drove me crazy, Mr Right brought sanity, peace, love, and tranquility to my life.
so, here's to love, and peace, and tranquility. Here's to 2010. May this be the year of peace and love for us all.