spanking with a safeword

The picture is from endart.com. check it out here. let's give a big "cheer" for spankings!

Mr Right bought a paddle because he has bruised his hand a few times while spanking me. I have such mixed feelings about spankings. Don't get me wrong: they turn me on. but they also hurt like the Dickens!!

the best thing about spankings from Mr Right is that he understands how confusing it is to me to mix the pleasure spanking and punishment. once, before we decided to take "time out," he spanked me after I teased him, and caught him off-guard with my teasing. He spanked me for teasing him, but he was playing with me, and yet getting turned on at the same time. When he stopped, we were both very confused and conflicted. neither of us were sure if it was punishment or play because it felt like both, yet neither of us liked feeling so confused. So, we decided then, and there, that either of us would call a "time out," to clear the air, and spankings were only for fun.

yet, just to make sure, Mr Right asked me about role-play spankings. He wants very much for me to play the naughty school girl, cheerleader actually, who gets reprimanded by the delightfully sadistic professor who fantasizes about spanking his female students. I told him that since it wasn't really punishment for me, but role playing for us both, this would not confuse me, but should turn me on immensely. Of course, I'll do my best to share these details once we play out his fantasy. and, I'm glad he asked me about this. It shows me that he's concerned with my well-being, and WANTS me to be both happy and content in our relationship.

so, I have maintenance spankings, as well as spankings for pure sexual stimulation. well, actually any spanking provides sexual stimulation as I become very wet from being struck across my bottom. it's whether or not my mind follows willingly. when I'm stressed out, a good spanking can relieve the tension I create throughout my body. And, depending on the rhythm and "thud" delivered during a spanking, I can go into subspace, or "fly" quite easily. and, yet, stinging blows across my upper thighs where they meet my behind, and when his hand hits my pussy lips, cause me to tense up, to cry out, and wish I could stop the pain. Because I have fibromyalgia, Mr Right wants me to have a safe word, to let him know if I cannot tolerate the pain. There are days when the slightest touch is excruciating

and what's your thought on a "safe word" for spankings? can you trust the spankee enough not to abuse the word? does it take away control from the spanker? but, if there is no safe word, what happens if the spankee could be harmed mentally by the spanking? how would the spanker know otherwise?

what's in a label? what is US?

A male and a female holding hands.Image via Wikipedia

Mr Right & I talk about everything. He reads all the blogs I follow, and we discuss the ideas presented, as well as my responses to those blogs. And, we've talked about slavery, and his role in our relationship, whether he is Master, Owner, Dominant, or HOH.

Once upon a time, I considered myself a slave. I did this because I wanted the release of responsibility, to not have to think after a long hard day at work. but I didn't have a man who was mentally and emotionally strong enough to dominate me, and capable of handling the responsibility needed to control and satisfy me. I needed an emotional rock, a man who was completely responsible for running his own life, for having a career, and running his own household without me.

The two men I chose before I met Mr Right were not sufficiently competent at meeting those requisites I mentioned. and, truth be told, my career and my duty as a parent is such that I cannot be a slave, and give up all my rights. I respect my own accomplishments far too much to allow another to take credit for or ignore what it took for me to be where I am today. I am no longer satisfied or interested in being property.

as for my submission, this, too, varies on a daily basis. I know, in my heart, I always have the right to say "no" to Mr Right. and, I know that most times, and most days, I never want to say "no" to Mr. Right. But, here's the kicker: he KNOWS this! and he knows that if I do say "no" it's because I really, really, don't feel well, because as I've said before, I like having sex when I'm sick. and, because Mr Mr Right believes in the idea that he may hurt me but will never "harm" me, he knows that if I'm turning down the chance at sex, it's because my fibro is acting up, and I'll tell him as much.

Mr Right only has two rules for me: I must not be unfaithful, and I must not lie to him. These are fairly straightforward easy rules to follow. My rules (yes, I have rules, too) are that he will be faithful, that he will never hit me in anger, and that he will never lie to me. Everything else simply will be handled as it comes up.

We both agree that we will never play mindgames with each other. We may role-play, or tease each other, but if one or both of us ever questions the other's pov, or get his/her feelings hurt, we immediately call a "time out" to talk about it - NOW. Otherwise, the rule is that things we say and do as they reference each other are said in love, and are to tease and play. Basically, we want our lives together to be filled with love, and lust, and to have fun, to enjoy each other. We want each other to be deliriously happy, and satiated by our life together.

I believe that our relationship, if it must be labeled and/or defined, falls somewhere in the midst of D/s, Taken in Hand, and Domestic Discipline. We are committed to each other, and to US. Our relationship is an US, a WE kinda thing. And there's no real label for that anywhere that I've found. I guess you could call it "haute couture," or a private designer label. yeah, that's a fitting label for US. It's OUR relationship, and it works for US.

There is no removing of a collar, although I mentally have one, with plans to find a real one, and a bracelet for him. Why a bracelet for him? Because he realizes that he is bound to me by holding the chain that hangs around my neck. He wants something to wear that allows me to realize he, too, honors our commitment. And when it comes time to acknowledge our relationship and commitment in the 'nilla world, there will be rings, and no removal of those, except to sleep and take a shower, or for safety reasons. There is no release, other than that from orgasms.

If one of our rules noted above are broken, even then, there is no guarantee or agreement that our relationship ends. We have made a lifetime commitment to each other. And, we chose to make that commitment. We see this type of commitment like we are family of choice, but family nonetheless, that you don't simply release because it's permanent. And, trust me, with knowing all the people we do who have divorced, being divorced myself, and being a divorce lawyer, Mr Right and I take this type of commitment VERY seriously. it IS binding, and carries with it great responsibility and effort, and with untold rewards far greater than we could ever imagine.

So, knowing all this, we both think we are so extremely lucky that we've each found a partner who understands US. After all these years of his being single, or for me, being in unsatisfying relationships, and my being told that there is no one out there for me, we both feel so blessed to have found each other. seriously, finding the One who knows, accepts, and enjoys your kinks, who knows accepts and loves you, exactly as you are, who yearns to know more about you, who wants to grow and expand together, and who wants nothing more than your happiness? Even lottery winners and celebrities don't have it this good!
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Satiated

What satiates you? This was a post that I've pondered a while.

I'm satiated when I have multiple g-spot orgasms, combined with clitoral orgasms, and I ejaculate, my juices "gushing out" over myself and Mr Right, pooling on the sheets, drenching us both in cum.

Really good mexican food, combined with a small frozen strawberry margarita

Really good hot wings with blue cheese dressing, and a really cold glass of water with lemon

Olive Garden Black Tie Mousse Cheesecake

curled up on the couch, reading a good paranormal fiction novel, in front of the roaring fireplace, while it snows outside, and I'm munching on Gardettos rye chips, and drinking Diet Mt Dew

lying on the beach, drinking pina coladas, while the sum warms my well-oiled body, and my loved one is next to me, smiling at me, while we talk about the great sex we just had up in our room.

walking a horse through the forest, listening to the hooves crunch on the underbrush

listening to the ocean surf

listening to it rain while I'm snuggled in bed, talking a nap

sitting on the couch, watching and listening to my daughter tell me about her day, and how happy she is

hugging, and kissing, and making love to Mr Right

on my knees kneeling as I take Mr Right's cock into my mouth, and inhale his scent as his presence and love touches my heart and soul

What satiates you?

it's been a while


since I've visited the blogosphere, and checked in with my blog friends. so many things happen here in blogland, in such a short period of time. hearts are hurt, new acquaintances made, bonds are broken, trust mended, and feelings pour out over the posts like maple syrup drizzled over french toast.

I promised myself I'd get to bed early tonight, because I've not been getting much sleep due to spending lots of play time with Mr Right. but, since I haven't been online much, I just had so many blogs to read, and reply posts to make, and here it is way after my bed time, and I still haven't posted anything to my own blog.

so, I'm hoping all of you have a wonderful weekend. I, for one, had a long, hard week, with two more long hard weeks ahead.

the good news? Mr Right have made plans to spend a weekend on the beach together, after I meet with my potential national, actually, international, not-for-profit client. YES!! I mean, yes, it's great about the client, but even better than I'm getting some real adult time with Mr Right on the BEACH!! I love the ocean as does he. and this will be our first trip together. can you say, "wonderful?" I thought you could.

oh, yes, and let's not forget: the weekend after that my son will be graduating from Air Force basic training. this will be another weekend with Mr Right and my family. two trips in a row! WOO HOO!!

this weekend, I hope to post about what wonderful things Mr Right and I have learned about each other in the last seven days. more about dominance, submission, spankings, and gluten-free cooking....

a mutual "time out"


Wednesday night, I realized that I forgot to complete an assignment given to me by Mr Right. I was getting the bed ready for the night when he asked if I had gone into the bathroom after court and twisted my nipples until they were hard and sensitive. I had a great day in court, and it completely slipped my mind. I was so upset that I forgot Mr Right's instructions, and he was disappointed as well.

so, I was put in "time out" because, mentally, I don't handle punishment spankings well. Five minutes I was sitting on the couch, in the dark, instructed to think about how I could better remember his instructions in the future. While I was sitting there, I realized I would have preferred the spanking. *smiles*

little did I know that while I was sitting on the couch in the dark, Mr Right was giving himself a "time out" as well. He was lying in the dark, on his bed, thinking of ways to he can ensure that I follow his instructions. Because he knows I'm very busy, and I would never forget an order or instruction intentionally, he thought of ways that HE, as the Dominant and Leader, could help me stay focused on him, on me, and, most importantly, on us.

He came to get me, and to bring me to his bed, and into his arms. He explained how this was a mutual "time out" as he explained that he has a responsibility to help me remember these things, as he knows how busy my work life is, and how easy it is to forget such things when I've been in court, and am ethically bound by my law license to be focused on what is best for my clients. So, he will use our private blog to remind me of those instructions until they become habit, much like my thinking of him and us for five minutes every other hour throughout my day.

I was blown away by his insight, his understanding, and his commitment to us. He doesn't want me to fail, or to struggle, or to become frustrated, when it comes to my thoughts about him, and about us. He WANTS me to be happy.

He may like playing with me, and watching my struggle against the spankings, or tease me until I laugh when we talk of politics, and our differing opinions of the world at large. but, all in all, he WANTS me to be happy, to smile when I think of him and us, to grin foolishly when I remember our intimate moments, to lick my lips in wicked anticipation when I recall his lips on mine, and his hand upon my red and sore behind after a most delicious spanking.

So, I completed all of his instructions on Thursday in a timely manner. I am a very happy, and satisfied woman, well-balanced with the knowledge of how blessed I am to have found a man who clearly understands, respects, and accepts his responsibility as my Dominant and Owner.

God/dess I love this man. How did I ever get so lucky?!

"You Belong to Me"

This was a message sent to me by Mr Right on our private blog. He knows that he caresses my very soul when he says, "You're mine. You belong to me." It was so thoughtful that I had to share it. Listen and enjoy.




Codependence & Submission: They ARE Different

I wrote this a few months ago, when I was struggling to understand myself and why I was miserable in my LDR. I rediscovered this post on Friday. I, for one, was impressed with my self-analysis. So, I post this for your consideration. This is another long hard look at the mind, heart and soul of cutesypah.
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For years, I've been thinking about the difference between codependence and submission: wondering if there WAS a difference, and how to succinctly and concisely explain the cohesion or lack thereof between them. and, ultimately, figure out if I'm a submissive, and a codependent, or simply a codependent who attempts to find her happiness by serving others and ignoring my own needs and wants.

and, in my reading on the site, "Breaking the Cycles" I found these four definitions of codependence in the article, "Codependent Behavior Patterns Are A Choice,"


An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules. –Robert Subby

A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in a family experiencing great emotional pain. –The Johnson Institute


A stressful learned behavior associated with an unhealthy focus on the needs of others and/or attempting to take responsibility for the behavior of others.

–Brian DesRoches


We begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy, and inappropriate behaviors. Then we go one step further, we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal.

–Melody Beattie


Only after reading these words for what is likely the hundredth time, I *finally* realized the difference between codependence and submission - responsibility for one's actions, or, in other words, acceptance and choice.

So, I'll be the first to admit it: I likely developed submissive tendencies in order to survive in my home, and keep my parents happy. I was a people pleaser, and performed, on cue, as a small child, reciting the Pledge of Allegiance at two for quarters, and "Twas the Night Before Christmas" at 4 for a dollar. My parents boasted they could take me anywhere, and I always behaved, perfectly. I was the perfect child, unless I spoke out, or acted like a child should, and threw the occasional temper tantrum, for which I was soundly spanked, and sent to my room where I was grounded for the entire day. In essence, I couldn't be the "normal" child without being punished - hence, came my strive for perfectionism.

And, from this, came my need to serve, to ignore my own wants and needs (for I would be punished for them if I voiced them), and to do whatever I could to gain my parents' attention, and perhaps, the occasional kiss on the cheek, or a pat on the head, the consummate display of approval.

so, submission was the only way I knew how to relate, and to get affection. and, when the sexual cravings started, at age 10, and I could look at my father's magazine stash (for at the time he worked for the world's premier porn printer/publisher), I saw women servicing men. Top that off with my reading all the romance novels where strong women are always overcome and taken care of by stronger men, and you have all the makings of a female submissive looking for that "perfect" Dominant who will come to rescue me, give me all the love I didn't have in my childhood, and who will let me grow up big, and strong, and will love me no matter how badly I behave.

Submit is defined by www.dictionary.com as, inter alia, "to yield to another," or "to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision," or "to present to another for approval, consideration," or "to subject one's self to a kind of treatment or influence."

Now, compare this to the definition above for codependence: a learned behavior in response to stressful situations, with an unhealthy focus on another's needs, and to take responsibility for another's behaviors (note the word "behaviors," rather than "actions." is that important?)

Is this why we don't have Dominants concerned about acting codependently, only submissives? I don't hear Dominants talking about how they are responsible for their submissive's behavior. Yet, I read about submissives, time and again, myself included, talking of their Dominant ignoring them, punishing them, and how the submissive blames herself (I know few male submissives so I focus on what I know) for her Dominant's behavior. In fact, the submissives I read about, talk of how they are "less" submissive because they question their Dominant's behavior, or perhaps, wonder if they are submissive at all, because their Dominant doesn't treat them properly, or doesn't behave in a Domly manner, or Goddess forbid, the Dom claims to "always be right, no matter what."

Now, I am beginning to realize that we choose to submit, and the Dominant chooses to accept our submission. But, if we are really strong, why do we question our submission when he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain, his end of the "power exchange"? Isn't this the definition of codependence - accepting responsibility for his behaviors?

And, do we submit because we wish to give deference, or because we wished to be loved? Or is it true that submissives confuse submission with love? Does sub frenzy pull us over the edge, until we feel bound by our commitment, our agreement and willingness to submit, afraid if we withdraw our consent, that we seal our fate in being known as "less than" a perfect submissive/slave because we couldn't endure or tolerate the situation? isn't that also the definition of codependence - a learned set of maladaptive behavior while adhering to an oppressive set of rules?

I know this is a fine line I'm drawing, but I believe it's necessary, for me, at least, to review and analyze this line drawn in the sand. I need to know whether this is a line I can cross, can live with, or whether this is a wall that will cut me off from myself, or cause me to always ponder and wonder if it's greener on the other side, or whether the line will be, at some point, the line around my neck, hanging me, as a martyr, willing to be victimize myself in order to reach for that elusive relationship of Dominant and submissive that I can never quite reach without killing myself in the process.

Where do we draw the line between healthy interdependence/power exchange and unhealthy codependence/taking responsibility for the other's behavior? Why is it only submissives who seem to blur this line, while so many Dominants seem to ignore this line? What is the difference between saying, "this doesn't work for me," and saying, "He owns me, and I must accept what he gives me, like it or not"?

So where is the line drawn between submissive and doormat? What is the difference between submitting to his whims, and tolerating his neglect and abuse? As the Kind Dom, Pygar, asks, what of training and rules when it amounts to emotional damage? As David from A View From the Top notes that public displays of humiliation force the public to accept one's D/s interactions.
And Sir J notes that submissives are moody and high-maintenance. Really? Really? Or is it that we're trying to find that ever-moving line in the sand, trying to decide if we will cross it, feel comfort from knowing our boundaries, or see it as a line tightening into a noose? What of the thought that Dominants are high-maintenance and moody? is that acceptance on the submissive's part, or tolerance of inappropriate behavior?

What of the gentleman Dominant? What of the Daddy Dom who wishes to support and encourage? What of the submissive who craves objectification, and wants all of her thoughts, and actions to be controlled by another? What of the slave who recognizes that her needs are not met by her Master? Does this truly mean she is not a slave? OR is the reality that the Master who controls her does not understand her needs, and perhaps she would better flourish under the watchful eye, and different perceptions and actions of another Master?

does one's question about getting her/his wants or needs met make her/him less of a submissive/slave? I think not. but many do not agree with me. Ahhh...but this is my blog, not theirs. and this is my perception of me, not theirs.
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After six weeks with Mr Right, many of my codependent tendencies have seemingly disappeared. The regular spankings keep me in balance. I do not feel the need to prove my abilities to others, because I receive constant approval, acceptance, love, and guidance from the one who matters most to me: Mr Right. He sees when I'm out of balance, and knows when I need release, long before I do. Yes, I can't see right away what hurts me, as I learned long ago to deny the pain in order to survive, and hence, my tolerance for acceptable pain and unacceptable behavior is quite high. He knows and sees this is not good for me.
He sees a real difference between the woman he met in the coffee shoppe a few months ago, and the woman I am now. I am more calm, more open, more at peace, and less concerned about the need to impress others, all because I know that the one I love is pleased and impressed by my actions and my words.

All I needed was a constant hand at the small of my back, constant reassurance of his presence, a reminder of his strength, compassion and love, and the knowledge that he will catch me if I fall. I also know that by pressing my back into his hand, he knows that I walk at his pace, and do not wish to separate myself from him. I yield to him. And in turn, my submission strengthens us both, without my codependence getting in the way.

gaining trust while giving up control

Orgasm control is what he has now. I am to only cum with him. I may play with myself, but I may not cum without him. I've never been one who has understood or accepted orgasm control because to me it meant orgasm denial. Never having dating someone who lived close to me, orgasm control meant days or weeks of waiting to have an orgasm, or having an orgasm only with phone sex. And because my partner was never around, it was easy to cheat or to lie about having or not having orgasms. And, because my partners never were around enough to know if I was lying, I lost respect for them, and for the relationship. a D/s relationship bcame a farce to me. But not anymore. Now, I like the idea of only having orgasms in Mr Right's presence, because then we can enjoy my orgasms together. The way we want to be - together.


I got another maintenance spanking tonight. It seems that about 2-3 times a week I need a spanking to balance me out. Now don't misunderstand - the spanking still gets me incredibly wet, and makes Mr Right incredibly turned on, and we end up having fabulous sex. But the spanking was to balance me, to allow me to release the stress that had built up for me this week. Between missing my son who's at basic training, and taking on more new clients, having a migraine and a touch of a stomach bug, and still worried about my mom having vision problems, my plate's been a veritable cornucopia of stress-filled issues.

and bless Mr Right's heart because he is the one who decided that I would benefit from the spanking, decided that I needed the spanking, and then told me I would get the spanking because it was best for me, and best for us. And during the spanking, I decided to give up my safe words, and see what happened, and I told him I would not use a safe word. He was surprised, but seemed impressed that I did offer this. He spanked me until I cried, wailed, begged him to stop, and on the times that I could not stand the pain, I raised up , and pulled away from him. He simply placed his hand between my shoulder blades, up near my neck, and pressed down, and said, "I'm here. I've got you. You're doing so well. Let it go. You're such a good girl. I know you need this."

the bruises are quite dark. I, for one, love my marks, and bruises. I even have a few welts where he spanked particularly hard, and irritated a few of my stretch marks. Next time he tells me he will use the belt. I think for that, I may ask to use my safe words. Better safe than sorry.

Mr Right has been reading my blogroll, as well as doing some more searching on various topics that interest him, including maintenance spankings, release of emotions, and stress, as well as spankings and other methods used for punishment. He has decided that containment, and "putting me on a shelf," as Vesta described it, is the best way to punish me. We also talked about a way to release my anger, or my energy during a spanking. Tonight, I think he understood that a spanking isn't just a release for me, it's a balancing mechanism. Spanking helps reestablish my equilibrium - his words, a perfect definition, imnsho.

I'm still amazed at how quickly he has taken to all of this, how well he's handled everything I've thrown his way, and that he's done the research to really learn and understand the logistics as well as the dynamics of Taken in Hand and D/s relationships. I've been really thinking about this, and I don't think there's anything more I could ask for in a partner. He really has been a dream come true for me, and me for him.

We talked tonight of how we didn't know what we were missing and longing for until we had each other in our lives. He spoke early on of not realizing that I had what he needed until I was in his life to show him what he had been missing. funny how true that statement really is. This man seems too good to be true. And he feels the same about me. And, this all happened because I went to the local coffee shoppe on the advice of my mother that I needed to get out, and network. Thanks mom!!

And, after only six weeks, Mr Right & I have decided that we're in love, and we're stuck with each other for good. In fact, tonight he told me that he is the last man to whom I ever submit. And, one more bit of control.

He yawned. I said, "don't yawn. It makes me sleepy."

His tone was firm, but pleasant. "I didn't just hear my very good girl tell me what not to do, did I?"

"No Sir."

"Good girls don't tell their Dominants what to do, or not to do, do they?"

"No Sir."

"I didn't think so. And, you are a very good girl, aren't you?"

"yes Sir."

"I thought so."

Tonight is our "me time," so I'm at home on the laptop, and catching up on my various television shows saved on my DVR, while he's out bowling with the boys. I'm to spend five minutes every hour thinking of him and us, and how much I enjoyed the spanking, and how it relaxed and balanced me. What a very lucky girl I am!!

Comfy


I've been sick over the last two days. Nothing drastic, but an upset tummy and the sniffles. Mr Right was kind enough to come to my house to care for me (usually I go to his place for privacy as I live my teenage daughter). My daughter was out of the house for the evening, and Mr Right discovered that I like to have sex when I'm sick. Usually, it makes me feel better. Last night was no exception. Today? I could use another session. *sigh* but I digress...


After giving Mr Right an amazing blow job complete with a mind-blowing orgasm, I got up to stretch and grab a drink of water. Out of habit, I grabbed my Blackberry, to see if my daughter or mother might have tried to reach me. I also checked my email. I happen to see that consensual slave had written telling me that my link wasn't working. So I quickly responded that I had made a mistake typing in the link.


Suddenly, Mr Right starts laughing. I looked at him in confusion. He said, "how comfortable are we together, that you get up after a rousing session of sex only to check your email, and actually respond?!!" He said we now acted like an old married couple, and laughed until tears rolled down his face. Pretty comfy for only being together going on six weeks now. We both laughed more, and snuggled down happily together. I really do love this guy. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him.


Now, if I could just get to feeling better......

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