I always read from hazelden.org, the "Language of Letting Go" written by Melody Beattie. Today's post, for July 14, 2009, started with this quote from "Codependent No More," which is also written by Melody Beattie:
Even if the most important person in your world
rejects you, you are still real and you are still okay.
In my drive to please others, I often forget myself. Things did not go well this weekend. I'm struggling to remember that I am lovable, I am special, and I deserve happiness. I also struggle to remember this quote above - that even if as a submissive, if I do not please the Dominant in my life, his displeasure doesn't make me "less than," or unworthy to be shown or given the same or greater respect, consideration, compassion, honesty, and common courtesies than one would give to a colleague, business associate, or co-worker.
But I was not given those same courtesies or consideration. For Daddy became angry when I was hurting during a scene, as I became cold, and started going into what I can only compare to a state of shock. He wanted to have anal sex, and I was trying to insert a vibrator to stretch myself. But, I couldn't stop shaking, and felt as though I were going to vomit. I asked if I could stop. He became angry, left me in the bedroom, and went to the couch. He didn't check on me, as I took my meds and passed out. He came to bed sometime during the night, as this incident occurred sometime around midnight.
Yet, I'm to be understanding because he didn't feel well, but didn't make that known to me, and then, when I was on my way out the door Sunday evening to pick up my daughter from visitation with her father, Daddy asked me if I would be upset if he left to go home. He was supposed to stay until Monday. I was actually getting into my car, already running 10 minutes late, and he asked me this, in a loud voice across the driveway. I told him I didn't have time to talk about this now. When I got back (it's one hour each way, plus talking time) he was gone.
And I didn't hear from him again until Monday evening, when he left a voicemail message saying he had to go home because he was ill, and the dr confirmed it.
and so I sit, alone, wondering what will become of Daddy & cutesypah. But in the meantime, I say to myself, "I'm lovable. You may not be able to love me the way I need to be loved, but that doesn't make me less lovable, or less ok. I'm great just the way I am."