Cutesypah's Corner

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1. by Dante d'Amore , on July 26, 2009 at 3:15 AM

   Due to Bloggers word limit my comment will have to be spread over more than one posting. This is part 1 ...
   
   I didn't know if you would see this comment on the older post it is directed at so I hope you don't mind me posting it here. It's about your post a few days ago where you talk about "Daddy" and his ADHD.
   
   I am very familiar with ADHD, not only as a "carrier," but also as someone who studied it extensively for many years after being diagnosed as an adult (though I haven't read anything about it for a few years).
   
   In fact, I was once called by a psychiatrist (a world renown expert on the subject), "The poster child of ADHD," lol.
   
   When I read your post about "Daddy" I was shocked when I saw you list "lack of empathy" as a symptom of ADHD. Not only because I had never heard that before but because most people I know with ADHD are incredibly sensitive and empathic.
   
   I am empathic to a fault. So much so that I wish I could shut it off, or at least turn it down a ton, because it causes me a lot of problems. (It doesn't get me in trouble - it causes me a ton of emotional turmoil and pain because I can't stand seeing people hurting.)
   
   Lack of empathy is associated with several personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder (think "serial killers") and I believe obsessive-compulsive personality disorder as well (not OCD - OCPD, which is completely different than OCD - for OCPD think "complete asshole") though I am not positive on that one.
   
   It also manifests itself in autism because of an inability to understand other's feelings (not because they are cold and unfeeling).
   
   People with ADHD can be thought to have a lack of empathy, but unlike the disorders I described, if that is the case for some people with ADHD it is likely they seem that way because they either have difficulty picking up social cues or because they are actually hypersensitive (hyper-empathic) and have had to learn to shut down such feelings as a self-defense mechanism.
   
   ADHDers often have difficulty picking up social cues. Sometimes it's just because their minds are racing and they just don't see or hear the cues (most people think ADHDers have an inability to pay attention but the truth is we are so good at paying attention that we pay attention to every damn thing that is happening around us - our problem is an inability to focus on just one thing).
   
   If your man doesn't pick up on the hurt in your eyes or the sadness in your voice you likely think he just doesn't care. But it could be that he either failed to pick up on it or he just doesn't know how to handle it or that he can't handle it because it will hurt him terribly and so he needs to block out your pain and deny it exists.
   
   If he is someone with ADHD and truly does lack empathy then the odds are GREAT that he also has one of the above named personality disorders. OCPD is commonly comorbid with ADHD and, in fact, many other conditions are as well.
   
   If he has been CORRECTLY diagnosed with ADHD (misdiagnosis is very common as there are many conditions or combinations of conditions that can masquerade as ADHD - including being gifted), chances are very good that he has at least one undiagnosed comorbid condition.
   
   If, on the other hand, he has no comorbid condition that has lack of empathy as a hallmark symptom, there is a good chance that what you see as lack of empathy is something altogether different. If that is the case, then I'd suggest the two of you talk extensively about this problem and continue doing so until it improves and, hopefully, finally is resolved.

2. by Dante d'Amore , on July 26, 2009 at 3:16 AM

   
   If he truly lacks empathy, then there is nothing that can be done. Someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder is beyond hope. The majority of them can function in society (only a small percentage are the serial killer type) and often do so highly, but they are not the kind of people you ever want to fall in love with, let alone become very close with (though for true masochists they are ideal, lol).
   
   If anything, I'm guessing what you call a lack of empathy is more that he doesn't seem empathetic enough to you. If he truly lacks empathy then it must be something other than ADHD.
   
   I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who claim that is part of ADHD but those people, even if they are mental health professionals, are wrong. There is a world of difference between what sometimes looks like a lack of empathy in ADHDers and actual, clinical "lack of empathy."
   
   I just stopped and did a search on the subject and the first thing I found is this from a mental health professional:
   
   Over the past decade or so I've observed children as young as 2 years old and adults into their late 80's with ADHD. Quite often at first glance it may seem like these children and adults are not empathetic.
   
   After getting to know these people and interacting with them in non-judgmental and/or non-threatening manner I found that people with ADHD are very empathetic.
   
   In many people with ADHD actions quite often are not tied to thoughts so I can understand why it appears there may not empathy there.
   
   Also when somebody is highly sensitive and empathetic the world can be a tough place. Just think about how much worse it is for a person with ADHD who is constantly feeling misunderstood. In order to survive, a lot of children and adults with ADHD are forced to turn off the feelings.
   
   She nailed it. And until I see "lack of empathy" listed as an ADHD symptom in the DSM-V, I will never believe it has any part of ADHD.
   
   ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
   ☼☼☼Dante☼☼☼
   ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
   
   

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