Behind the Scenes

I love this photo. It was one of the first of Gil Elvgren's prints that I saw, and I immediately fell in love with it.

Having said that, I've been doing a lot behind closed doors lately. And although I'm not yet ready to return to the world of blog on a regular or daily basis, I am missing my creative outlet.

Like other bloggers, I've come to realize that I was writing more for my audience than for me. And, I compare myself to others constantly, wondering why I don't get as many readers as others do. Even when I was writing on a regular basis, I didn't have many readers. And, so I gave up.

But, now I'm back. For the time being. Writing about what concerns me, or what is of interest to me, regardless of what responses come my way. I'm not doing this for profit, or to build a career, so followers don't matter. And I have few online "friends," and a small group of real life friends, so I'm not in need of attention either. But, as a codependent, I'm also one who struggles with moderation. I'm trying to find middle ground with my blogging, my reading of other blogs, comparing myself to other bloggers, and feeling as though I fall desperately short when it comes to subject matter and the ability to express myself.

So, I continue to try to let others see another side of me - to let you peek through the keyhole, and see behind the scene to a part of me only Mr Right sees. He tells me that I'm lovable and loved. This blogging is my attempt to work through my issues, and finally come to believe what he knows is true: I am lovable. I know I'm loved. My depression, and my codependency, and my SAD just doesn't let me accept the lovable part.

Another new year. 2009 was such a roller coaster for me!! 2009 ended on a much better note than 2008 ended. So, I hold out hope that 2010 will be a much happier year, without the constant stress, strife, and disappointment of 2009.

Last year at this time, I wasn't even blogging. Hard to believe. Also hard to believe that last year at this time, I was without a relationship, or dominant in my life, having gotten out of an abusive D/s relationship at the beginning of 2008. I was on a variety of dating sites, meeting all the jerks, and wannabes imaginable.

And then, in July 2009, I met Mr Right. And although the chaos of self-employment, an economy in the toilet, and an overly involved passive agressive mother who served as my office manager/paralegal drove me crazy, Mr Right brought sanity, peace, love, and tranquility to my life.

so, here's to love, and peace, and tranquility. Here's to 2010. May this be the year of peace and love for us all.

8 Comments so far »

  1. by sin , on January 2, 2010 at 1:53 PM

    Don't write for numbers. Write for yourself. OR... totally write for numbers, just to see what would happen. But that's a whole different ball game isn't it?

    Nice to see you posting again. Welcome back.


  2. by mamacrow , on January 2, 2010 at 2:50 PM

    i havn't been reading very long, and don't comment often but I'm very glad you're back :)

  3. by nancy , on January 2, 2010 at 5:08 PM

    Ahhh How nice to see that you found a moment or two to write~~
    Congratulations on the upcoming wedding.
    My heart goes out to you with your mother's illness... truly.
    I'm delighted whenever you write.. and for whatever reasons.

  4. by oatmeal girl , on January 2, 2010 at 5:49 PM

    Oy, sweetie... we are all of us convinced that everyone else is getting 2000 readers a day. Not a chance. Actually, I don't even know how many readers I'm getting because when they're on Google Reader they don't show up unless they go from there to the blog itself to comment or read further. I think that's how it works.

    Anyway, I for one don't have a huge readership. And while the sadist may enjoy the idea of my being his whore, and a whore whose body he can share with his friends, there is no way he wants me whoring myself to my readers. He cautions me against tailoring my writing to what will please them, and demands honesty in my writing above all.

    This place is yours. Write what you please. Write what you need to. Write what you want to. And thanks for leaving your blinds up a bit for all of us Peeking Toms to see what you're up to.


  5. by mouse , on January 3, 2010 at 10:17 AM

    I'm glad you're back...I've missed you! I really hope 2010 is great for you!

    hugs and love,

  6. by Louise , on January 5, 2010 at 6:42 AM

    And here's to you... and to you being back! Write whenever and whatever you want... like o.g. says, this place is yours, and I love it.

    Love, Louise

  7. by Sara , on January 6, 2010 at 7:29 AM

    Congrats on your engagement! I have found that writing very regularly, for myself, has been a wonderful exercise to explore 'stuff'. I really enjoy readership, and feel lonely and rejected if no one comments :) (yeah, me too) but when I write from my heart, people engage and a dialogue ensues. THAT is the best! Keep going!

  8. by Florida Dom , on January 6, 2010 at 4:57 PM

    Yes, write for yourself. If you're pleased with your writing, that's all that counts.

    And congrats on your engagement and have a Happy New Year.

    Have you started shopping for your dress yet?


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